10 Signs You’re Dating A D-Bag
Most of the time douchebags are easy to spot: pink polo, popped collar, sunglasses at night, spiked hair, white pants and shiny fake tans.
But sometimes recognizing a douchebag is a little trickier. In fact, you might suspect the guy or girl you’re dating is a total douche (yes, girls can be douchebags, too). Here’s how to know for sure.
1. He Drives A Pimped-Out Hummer
Owning a Hummer automatically makes anyone a douche, but if he’s gone to the trouble to trick out his 11/mpg environment-killing stud machine, you know he has a tiny penis, too.
2. Her Match.com Profile Is Still Live “Just In Case”
What kind of a beyatch keeps trolling for online dates when you’ve been dating her for six months? That’s no beyatch…that’s a douchette!
3. She’s Orange
The only time it’s okay to be orange is if you’re an Oompa Loompa, and since Oompa Loompas are all neutered men, you probably want to break up with her either way.
4. He Wears More Necklaces Than You
Guys who where short leather thongs around their necks are super hot. Guys who wear multiple dangly necklaces to accentuate their pasty man-boobs are not. The ONLY man who can get away with lots of necklaces is Mr. T.
5. She’s Texting While You’re Hooking Up
It’s bad enough that she texts when she’s at the movies, in the bathroom and driving to the mall, but if your special lady can’t put away her iPhone when you’re macking on her, she’s a douchebag. Besides, what if she’s actually sexting???
6. He & His Friends All Have The Same Haircut
The only thing worse than one douchebag is a whole pack of them.
7. He Tweets A Picture Of You Making Out
You’ll only find out about it when your frenemy shares it on Facebook and the girl you go to church with sees it and tells your mom.
8. He Manscapes
Nicely groomed facial hair can be sexy, but guys who make little designs out of their facial and body hair should be avoided. Not only do they look firetrucking STOOPID, but you’ll always worry if he’s going to shave a soccer ball into your head while you’re sleeping.
9. She Wears “Team Edward” Panties
Picture this: You’re making out with a hot chick, things start heating up, and she takes her pants off—only to reveal Edward Cullen’s facing staring up at you. It might be cool if she rooted for Team Jacob, but only douchebags like sparkly vampires.
10. He’s Duckfacing In His MySpace Profile Picture
So many things wrong here…first off, he still has a MySpace page, but to make things worse, he’s duckfacing. NOTE: If the guy is also shirtless and flipping off the camera, then he’s an Extra Super Douche.
Have you ever dated a douchebag? Share your douchiest stories in the comments!