10 Things You Can't Do After College

They say that college is a magical land of booze and partying, and it is. It’s a social vacuum of random pizza parties at any given hour of the day, music blaring to match your mood, and all romantic conversations beginning with the question, “What’s your major?” There’s a lot that can be learned from college, apart from the actual academics but if there’s one last lesson you should keep in mind as you make the trek to the graduation stage, is that some collegiate activities are better left on-campus. Here is a list of activities that you're going to have to give up after College...


1. Showing Up To A Party With An Acoustic Guitar, A Bottle of Smirnoff, And Nothing Else

This is usually some surfer-looking freshman whowill show up with his acoustic guitar, a bottle of Smirnoff. Everyone in the dorms usually have a crush on this guy, mainly because he’s so easy-living and will most likely play any song you request (that is, if those songs happen to be any track by Weezer and Green Day’s “Time of Your Life”). Nobody wants to party with this guy after College.


2. Bragging About Your Mad Beer Pong Skills

Though, this will only truly fly with a select group of people within the college community (you’ll know who they are once you arrive to Orientation Weekend), bragging about how many ping pong balls you can slam dunk into red cups, doesn’t usually gain you legitimacy in a post-grad life. You’ll quickly realize that the skills you’ve strengthened by beer pongin’ every weekend like it’s your basketball practice for the “big show” that is the NBA, will only amount to being really good at beer pong. Sucks, bro.


3. Pizza For Breakfast

Though I may be too quick to say this (as I’ve heard rumors of Domino’s releasing a breakfast pizza in the not too distant future), eating pizza for breakfast is not socially acceptable outside of dorm life. What was once a tasty move that victoriously topped off another great hard-partying night (and let’s be honest, “breakfast” at that time was around 2pm), scrounging down a slice before you head to your office may taste delicious in the moment, but always lingers with the aftertaste of failure.


4. E-mail Your Boss Last Minute With A Random Excuse, Much Like You Would Your College Professor

One of the more glorious aspects of college life is the insane ability to be able to e-mail your professor with random excuses, up until a couple minutes before class, and have that somehow be okay. Although, this may be dependent on the professor and their policies but as a whole - this tends to be acceptable. Don’t let this fool you, e-mailing your new real-world boss that you’re sick mid-day, and that you’ll “catch up by asking one of your co-workers for notes from the day’s work” usually doesn’t fly.


5. Bake A Bunch Of Cookies With The Understanding That The Whole 2nd Floor Will Eat Them Up

I admit, I was the baking girl of the college dorm. Cookies, cinnamon rolls, cupcakes. Though, miraculously I didn’t blow up to super-size during that year. The reason? The moment I would sit down the still-cooling plate of cookies or cinna-buns, they would be immediately consumed by a pack of hungry jocks. This happens, and can usually become accepted as a natural process of baking. Don’t let it - baking a big tray of cookies in your new adult home will not go anywhere but your thighs.


6. Listing Your Favorite Bands Like It’s Your Resume For Coolness

Something miraculous occurs when you enter that dorm threshold. How you interact with people becomes so synchronized, the usual motions of “What’s your major?” perfectly eases into the musical likes and dislikes band-off, which is the cornerstone for getting to know someone within college. Though this musical listing may work at your local drinking hole, how you get to know people beyond that needs to evolve. Though if you meet another person who shares your intense love for Weird Al, they’re probably your soul mate.


7. Bob Marley And Radiohead Posters Frayed-At-The-Edges Are Not Proper Interior Decoration

Entire dorm walls are usually just a graduated bulletin board for however many bits of posters and random flyers you can fit on there, but usually don’t hold a place beyond that world. When you’re out pursuing your real life adult life, just imagine what the hosts on any HGTV show would say about your living style. Do you really think the host of “Design on a Dime” would like your extensive collection of incense and Tim Gunn bobble heads? This far exceeds the concept of “make it work.”


8. Waking Up 10 Minutes Before You Have To Be Somewhere

One of the most begrudging facts of being a part of the “real world” is the fact that you will have to wake up extremely early. Like, before noon early - before 10am early - early enough to ruin your late night plans the night before-early. I know, it isn’t fair. I’m still getting over it, but there is a way to sideswipe this sad fact: Be a Theater Usher, be a Stand-up comedian (!), be a 7-Eleven clerk, be a dog walker. Or invent your own job! Yay!


9. Blasting Music In Your Room Will No Longer Elicit Dance Parties

One of the most magical parts of college life is the siren call of Lady Gaga and the instant response of about 5 or so people in your room, dancing it up. This is something that, when in the moment, I remember thinking, “This is what being an adult is like? Heck yeah!” Unfortunately the random dance parties exist in the fantastical bubble that is dorm life, or college student-infested apartment living. Unless of course you work with Lady Gaga or are a DJ for a discotheque, you will sadly never revisit this moment - so savor it as it happens.


10. Group Chanting

There’s something fascinating that occurs in human behavior where when a chant is started, you’re either in or you’re out (and everyone always wants to be ‘in’). In college, if you take it upon yourself to be the first one to start chanting, “Piz-za, Piz-za” or “Keg-ger, keg-ger” and you think that’s a great aspect of your personality and a feeling that will never die, I hate to be the person to break the unfortunate news to you, but I will. For instance, being in the most boring meeting of your life and starting to chant, “Piz-za, Piz-za” will not force someone to bring pizza to you, though if your co-worker Douglas secures a new account for your advertising firm, chanting “Doug-las, Doug-las” will probably bring on some eye-rolls, but it’ll make Douglas feel pretty great. And really, isn’t that what life is all about?


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