10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to a TSA Agent While Traveling

You might think it would be funny to josh with the TSA saps that are paid to feel up your boobs or grope your junk, but you’d be wrong. TSA agents have an incredible amount of power. If you say any of these things, you will be arrested. Or have your butt excavated. No joke.

Then again, if you don’t have any concrete holiday plans and don’t mind having a cavity search or being fined tens of thousands of dollars, go ahead and be brilliant during your pat-down. The folks in line behind might thank you for the extra holiday jollity.

 

1. “Can I bring a bomb on the plane? It’s just a little one.”

If you’re making a reference to the “bomb” in your banana hammock, calling it “small” is only a joke on you.

 

2. “Sorry, but you need an invite to attend the party in my pants.”

The TSA agent’s feelings will be hurt because you didn’t send them an Evite, and offended TSA agents don’t use lube.

 

3. “Those aren’t my boobs—they’re hand grenades.”

You might be tempted to say this if you have rock-hard fake boobs, but the only people who’ll think it’s funny are the other strippers in line with you.

 

4. “I have a 4 oz. bottle of lube in my fanny pack. Do you mind using it?”

Savvy travelers know they can only bring a THREE-ounce bottle of lube on the airplane.

 

5. “I can’t go through the scanner because I’m pregnant.”

This is only funny if you’re a man.

 

6. “Ooh…ooh…ah...ah…ah…YES! YES! YES!”

The TSA has allegedly said that anyone having an orgasm during a pat-down would certainly be suspected of terrorism. We’re not sure how that correlates—do terrorists suffer from Persistent Sexual Arousal Disorder (a real condition we learned about on “House”)?

 

7. “I have a sword in my pants.”

Swords are on the prohibited list of “sharp items,” so if you’re LARPing at the airport, be sure to check your weapon.

 

8. “I don’t have my ID, but I do have a license to ill.”

The Beastie Boys have a license to ill. You do not.

 

9. “My toddler is a terrorist-in-training.”

Hiding ammo in your baby’s diaper will also get you gate-raped.

 

10. “I have an itch down there—do you mind scratching it?”

If the TSA agent does scratch it, be very afraid. Or tell him to scratch “deeper.”

Do you have any “fun” experiences with the TSA? Tell us about it in the comments!

 

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