6 Lamest Hauntings Ever
TV series and movies about disturbances and spine-chilling paranormal activity have become more popular than ever, particularly around Halloween. But not every haunting is a spectacular horror-fest, just like not every party is a blowout at the Playboy Mansion. Here are the 6 sorriest excuses for hauntings we could find.
Ellen Reyes of Canberra, Australia lives with the roommate from Hell. Literally. She is haunted by a deceased bitchy teen called Portia. Portia died by purposely ramming her Sweet 16 gift - a new Miata - into a tree during a tantrum over it being “the wrong blue.” You think it’s hard to collect half the cable bill from the living? Ghosts have worse credit than Randy Quaid. Forget about privacy – locking your bedroom door doesn’t deter a rude ghost from floating her translucent ass right on in. Most ghosts are known for moaning – but take it from Ms. Reyes, eternal whining is far worse.
Static Cling Phantom
We’ve all seen bleeding walls, flying glassware and possessed plants, but some forms of disturbance are just embarrassing. Laura Stone is a twenty-something bartender from Akron, Ohio. She bought her first condo before she knew it was inhabited by an Entity. Some phantoms incarnate as lightning, electricity, or bright light. This one is static electricity. Miss Stone thought she was using the wrong dryer sheets until her Persian cat, Esteban, exploded while rubbing himself against her sweatpants. Now Laura cannot wear anything indoors without the risk of tumbling about the room as if she is in a giant dryer. As you can imagine, her dating life is now dead, too.
Hate having your stuff moved from where you last put it? Welcome to the Robinson family’s own private Hell. Paranomalists who have examined the Robinsons case suspect they have identified the undead resident(s) responsible for awful “organizing” visitations. The previous tenants were a decrepit mother obsessed with QVC shopping and her adult son. The pair died of inhaling toxic fumes from glue used in the son’s extensive Gundam model collection. Now it seems the geeky spirit of the junior former tenant has an insatiable need to “build models” out of anything in the house. Also, God help you if Battlestar Gallactica comes on and you change the channel. The last time Mr. Robinson tried that, disembodied shrieks blew out all the windows in the living room.
The only reason I wouldn’t kill myself if I lived with the “Spoiler Specter” is for fear of being stuck with it for eternity. Bordering on truly evil, this apparition is the biggest jerk I have ever had the misfortune of encountering – dead or alive. The ghost of a total tool with an encyclopedic knowledge of books and films, the Spoiler inhabits my local library. Blatantly visible and even more audible, this ghost will hover next to you, peering over your shoulder while you are trying to read or watch a video. It’s super distracting and annoying beyond belief. Then when you ask it what it wants, it will blurt out the ending of the book/film you are looking forward to seeing or reading. I wish I could strangle the life out of this bastard, but I guess someone beat me to it.
On the other end of the spectrum, Miss Ophelia DeLouise from Savannah, Georgia responded to our inquiry with a frustrating tale of a “repressed” poltergeist “timidly terrorizing” her wealthy southern estate home. Miss DeLouise writes: “I almost wish it would just burn the east wing down, poor thing! Every time I find the phrase “Burn in HECK!” clawed into somethin’, my heart just melts.” This poltergeist suffers from what is called “Projectile Dysfuntion.” It lacks the confidence required to make dishware soar across the dining hall - it will perhaps tip over a tea pot at best. Miss DeLouise is looking for therapists that may specialize in helping the “insecure damned.” Please send your suggestions to us here at Smosh, and we will pass them along.
We’ve saved the worst for last. Meet the Toilet Ghost: resident in the boy’s locker room of Lawrenceville High, in Lawrenceville, Colorado. This haunting would be “normal” paranormal activity, except that the ghost is almost always on the john. Sure, on occasion the ghost may manifest on the football field or under the bleachers and scare the hell out of people. But what “John Ghost” (as he is nicknamed) is best known for is hogging the bathroom and emitting (sic: farting) gaseous clouds. These “zombie farts” can cause temporary blindness, memory loss and speaking in tongues. The school has tried to lure the constipated spirit out with offers that the ghost become their football mascot, even going so far as to built the John Ghost it’s own mobile toilet - like a little parade float on wheels. But so far, the flatulent phantom has yet to look up from the newspaper.
So this Halloween weekend, as you enjoy a horror movie or a haunted house, think of the unsung undead. Who knows – the next time you think the old janitor just farted as he shuffled past you in the halls at school, remember - it might really be your own great-great-grandfather, farting at you from beyond the grave. So show a little respect.