8 Best Things About Breaking Up
So you've been dumped. You're probably feeling that this is the end for you and any chance at happiness... That no one will ever love you again for the rest of your life... And you are almost certainly correct.
But hey, let's try not to focus on the negative aspects-- There are also some very positive aspects to breaking up!
1. Your Landlord Will Finally Let You Have A Cat
You're going to have a hard time on your own at first, and your landlord, good guy that he is, totally gets that. Expect him to bend your building's rules and allow you to finally get that cat you always wanted. It doesn't matter anymore that half the tenants in the building are allergic. What's important now is that there's someone there to eat your body after you die.
2. You Will Suddenly Have Time To Volunteer
Remember all that stupid stuff you use to do with your true love like laying on the sofa and hiking? Well, you will now have tons of free time to volunteer and do charity work. It'll be good for you to hang out with people who don't have to worry about things like how often they can post on their ex's Facebook wall... or if they will EVER BE ABLE TO FEEL ANYTHING AGAIN, LET ALONE A LOVE SO TRUE AND GOOD.
3. All You Can Eat Ice Cream!
This is one of the few times in your life when no one will see you as a glutton if you go on an all-out ice cream binge. Besides, have you seen how many flavors there are these days? There might even be one to calm your shattered soul. In fact, try Ben and Jerry's "Shattered Soul."
4. You're Finally Free To Chase That Life-Long Career Goal And Fulfill Your Destiny As A Human Being on the Planet Earth!
Nope. Overslept. F*ck it. There's always tomorrow!
5. Two Weeks of Boozing
Note: If you are under 21, ignore this section. Just make sure you save up your sadness until you are of legal drinking age.
After the break-up, you get at least two weeks of excessive drinking and instead of calling you an alcoholic, everyone will just chalk it up to your need to "get it out of your system."
6. No More Doing What THEY Want To Do
It's a fact: girls hate guy stuff like football, and guys hate lady things like arts and crafts. That's why the most compatible couples are the ones who keep their interests to THEMSELVES. Now you'll never have to do the things your significant other wanted you to do, like taking that lame poetry class at the local community college.
7. You Will Learn to Appreciate Things Like Poetry & Art
As the great poet Robert Frost once wrote:
We're going down, down in an earlier round/
and sugar we're going down swinging/
I'll be your number one with a bullet/
a loaded god complex, cock it and pull it.
Poems like this will suddenly make perfect sense to you.
8. You Will Lose A Ton Of Weight
Everyone knows that people get fat when they are in relationships and lose weight after a break up. Remember that running in the rain is the perfect time to cry.
What are some other great things about breaking up? Let's work through our feeling in the comments below.