Badass Barbie: The Untold Story

Barbie: America’s sweetheart. The blonde that launched a thousand plastic surgeries. If it wasn’t for Barbie, we wouldn’t have Bratz, boob jobs or botox. Her image is the good-girl centerfold-next-door. But here at Smosh, we know anything so sweet will give you diabetes. Barbie had to have some dirt on her, so we decided to dig a little deeper and find it. And hoo boy, did we ever. Here are 10 shocking secrets Barbie doesn’t want you to know about her sordid personal life…

 

1. Baby Barbie in Utero

Barbie was born in the bathroom of St. Francis High School in Parson, Alabama. A surprise “toilet baby,” Barbie’s name was inspired by her teen mother’s cries of “Day-um! I made a bay-bay!” in her thick, southern accent.

 

2. Trailer Trash Barbie

Barbie grew up in a trailer park where she shared a bunk with twin sisters, her grandpa and a friendly pet Opossum called “Levon.” Following in the family tradition, Barbie had herself a “mess of youngins” by the time she was 18.

 

3. Bulimic Barbie

Feeling she had experienced all that the trailer world had to offer, Barbie set her eye on becoming a fashion model. She worked hard to acquire a series of severe eating disorders to lose “the babies weight.” Paired with a diet of crack and Diet Mr. Pibb, soon Barbie was down to the same weight as the local junkyard pit bull.

 

4. Playboy Bunny Barbie

With a little ingenuity and a lot of drive, Barbie “turned tricks” to pay her way to Hollywood, California. Here, she had the good fortune to be hit by Hugh Hefner’s limo while working a corner one night at 2nd & Vine. Barbie became a “bunny.”

 

5. Psycho Diva Barbie

Crushing anyone who got in her way, Barbie climbed over countless other model wanna-bees into the “legitimate” and lengthy career we all know so well. But after a while, the fame went to Barbie’s head, much like Cher. Barbie became a deranged bitch to work with. She began to knock off other artists, much like Madonna. Her star was falling fast.

 

6. Stripper Barbie

Her working reputation now worse than J. Lo’s, Barbie had no choice but to return to her roots, working as an “exotic dancer” at Bob’s Big Boobs Room. Tragic.

 

7. Gansta Bitch Barbie

After having one Canadian dollar too many stuffed into her thong, Barbie snapped. They say she jumped herself into a gang. Our sources say the gangstas initially weren’t interested, but were scared to refuse her after seeing Barbie kick her own ass.

 

8. Terrorist Barbie

As she was in the modeling world, Barbie’s desire to climb took over once more. Unsatisfied by merely rising in the ranks of a gang, Barbie became a terrorist, “the gangstas of the whole world.”

 

9. Old Ass Barbie

Due to being on America’s Most Wanted list, Barbie is in hiding somewhere – likely a cave in Beverly Hills. This image is from police files revealing what Barbie must look like by now without her pit crew of beauticians.

 

10. Ken Barbie

Alternatively, some believe Barbie has undergone gender-reassignment treatment, and is living as “Kennie” somewhere in Tijuana, Mexico.

 

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