How To Date A Cougar
Cougars are single women over 35 years old who dress like they’re 25-year-old girls gone wild. But between the boob jobs, Botox and personal trainers, they look damned fine. Cougars like makeup and highlighted hair, and they usually wear expensive jewelry. If you think you’ve spotted a cougar, make a sudden movement, and she’ll pounce on you immediately.
Some guys are really into the idea of dating a cougar. Hot older women have cool houses, expensive cars and lots of money—and they’ll teach you lots of “skills.” I mean, they probably played the first Super Mario when it was new!
If you’re lucky enough be cougar bait, congratulate yourself. Cougars are very picky. But she won’t pounce on you unless you know how to treat her right. Follow our advice, and you’ll keep your cougar purring.
1. Be Hot
Unless you’re really good-looking, you don’t have a chance with a cougar. Go to the gym, get your hair cut, buy tight clothes and fancy underwear, and use lots of expensive-smelling metrosexual beauty products. Basically, make yourself look like The Situation. Only with a different face. And younger.
2. Linger At Watering Holes
Like all jungle creatures, cougars gather at the watering hole when they’re thirsty, so bars are a great place to meet quality felines. When they begin to circle you, quickly ask the richest-looking one if you can buy her a drink…and not a Coors Light. Another great way to meet cougars is to attend singles parties and speed-dating events, where you can pick out the friskiest cat in the pride.
If you are not old enough to go to bars, you can try this trick in front of "Curves" gym.
3. Make Eye Contact
If you see a cougar stalking you, the best way to draw her to you is by making strong eye contact. In the wild, staring down another animal is usually perceived as an act of aggression. Your cougar will see resistance in her prey and be unable to control herself from pouncing.
4. Don’t Be Stupid
Cougars are not 16-year-old girls. They’re older, wiser and smarter than the women you usually date. Learn a few things about art, music and literature, and pick up a newspaper once in awhile. She does NOT want to hear about your garage band or WoW loot—unless you’re incredibly hot and muscley. Then you can be as stupid as you’d like.
5. Don’t Ever Call Her
If your cougar wants to talk to you, she’ll call you. Don’t post on her wall, tweet her or text her unless she contacts you first…and never, ever, ever drunk text her. It’s bad etiquette, and you’ll only look like a pathetic stalker. But make sure you always have your Blackberry nearby, because if she does contact you, you must be available immediately.
6. Wine Her & Dine Her
If your cougar decides she wants to see you again, plan an excellent first date somewhere classy, like a tapas restaurant. Do NOT take her to the Olive Garden or El Torito, and especially don’t whip out a coupon. She’ll rip your face right off.
7. Buy A Tuxedo
When you date a cougar, you must be prepared to accompany her to A-list events. You’ll need to wear a tuxedo for three important reasons: 1. Your butt looks great in tuxedo pants; 2. She wants you to win the “Sexiest Cub” contest at the after-party; and 3. You’ll look sophisticated even if you work at Taco Bell.
8. Respect The Den
When your cougar is done with you, GET OUT. The last thing in the world she wants to see in the morning is your crumpled SpongeBob boxers on the floor.
9. Know Your Place
Your job is to look pretty, entertain your cougar and escort her to events where she can show you off to other cougars. (Yes, the cougar with the best cub gets a trophy.) Your job is NOT asking personal questions, making suggestions or having opinions about things. Don’t overstep your bounds, or she’ll toss you out of the den.
If you decide you want to walk the wild side and date a cougar, don’t be tacky. It’s always open season on cougars you meet in bars, but your mom’s best friend is off limits.
What do you think about cougars? Would you ever date one? Ladies, do you think you’ll be a cougar some day?