Welcome To The Penis Museum
Yep, you read that right. There’s a museum in Iceland dedicated strictly to willies. I know that for us at Smosh, this discovery has been like an answer to our prayers! Now we have a empty Sparklett’s bottle in the office labeled “Penis Museum Trip Fund” and the pennies are just dropping in daily. At this rate, we will be there by the summer of 2016. I can hardly wait!
The museum founder and curator is named Sigurdur Hjartarson – pronounced “Bob,” which is what we will call him for the rest this article. Bob’s unusual Penis Collection began as a young child who spent his summers helping on a farm. There, he was bizarrely given a “pizzle” (a bull johnson) to be used as a whip on farm animals. Seriously. And you thought your summer job sucked.
By Bob’s own admission, later in life he became a school Headmaster and was taunted by his own staff: “Some of my teachers used to work in summer in a nearby whaling station and… they started bringing me whale penises, supposedly to tease me.” Oh, those Icelandic pranksters. But Bob made lemons into lemonade – or in this case, penises into penisade. Where others saw a disgusting pile of fish dicks, Bob saw opportunity. “Then the idea came up gradually that it might be interesting collecting specimens from more mammalian species.”
OF COURSE! That’s the natural extension (pun intended) of being given Whale wings: what do you do? Collect dozens more animal dongs and make a museum! Why didn’t we think of this? So that’s exactly what Bob did. “Now, thanks to The Icelandic Phallological Museum, it is finally possible for individuals to undertake serious study into the field of phallology in an organized, scientific fashion.” Damn straight, Bob. Who wouldn’t take a Pork-Sword Library seriously? Oh that’s right – us.
Due to the Internet’s strident decency laws, we can’t show you much of what is inside the Shlong Aviary. But we can show you some of the “exhibits” that are hardly recognizable. I really wouldn’t be eating right now, by the way. Visitors to the museum will encounter 209 “specimens” belonging to different kinds of whales, a “rogue” polar bear, different kinds of seals and walruses, and 20 different kinds of land mammal.” Dear God.
If you haven’t curled up on the floor in the fetal position clutching your junk by now, there’s MORE!
In addition to the “biological section” of the Trouser-Snake Museum, visitors can view about 300 “artistic oddments” and “practical utensils” related to Beef Bayonets.
We leave it to your sick and probably accurate imaginations. Also, what exactly is a “practical utensil?"
Oh, and don’t forget to stop by the gift shop. We expect presents.