What's In Bieber's Basement!?
Justin Bieber recently gave me and other members of the press a tour of his house. It was a very nice mansion with lots of rooms. Even his servant's quarters were nicer than servants quarters often tend to be. There was a hose for them all to take turns cleaning themselves with, and I only saw him raise a hand to them in anger once during the entire tour.
We were wrapping up the tour and ready to go home when I noticed a door we hadn't gone in, and pointed it out. He said that that was the basement, and when I inquired further he reluctantly agreed to show us around. Here are some of the items of interest we happened across down there.
1. A Closet Full of Wigs
Something I didn't know about Justin was that he is entirely bald, and has been since birth. But he grows rich, full beards. So he is constantly shaving and wearing wigs. Also his head ends in a triangular shape, rather than the traditional dome.
2. This Old Man
I repeatedly asked Justin what this old man was doing down there, how long he had been there, and who he was, but Justin just kept mysteriously saying, "He knows what he did," until we agreed to move on with the tour.
3. A Cock Fighting Ring
Times are tough all around, so Justin had this cock fighting ring built in his basement to make a few extra bucks. Cock fighthing afficianados come from Mexico, Portugal, and beyond to fight their cocks against Justin's, which are generally agreed to be the some of the most merciless, efficient roosters currently bred for fighting.
4. The Ark of the Covenant
Originally stolen by the Nazis who were hoping to use the Ark as "the ultimate weapon," the Ark was brought back to America (where it belongs) by Indiana Jones and stored in a secret CIA warehouse along with the UFO that crash landed at Roswell, the Holy Grail, and Tupac. After Julian Assange leaked secret documents disclosing the location of the warehouse the CIA felt it had no choice but to entrust the Ark to Justin Bieber for safekeeping.
Every celebrity has minions. Minions are sightless humanoid creatures with crude linguistic skills who live only to serve their master. When they are born the first person they see they consider their master for life. So Justin always makes sure to be there when new minions are born. They are willfull, however, and Bieber must constantly assert his dominance over them to maintain control.
6. Atari 2600
Jeez Beebs! What is this? 1979???!???????????????!???????!???????
7. An Extra Justin Bieber
Justin Bieber's record label took a strand of Justin Bieber's hair, extracted the DNA, and created an army of Justin Biebers as backup in the event of an unfortunate accident. According to Justin, he keeps one extra Bieber in his basement at a time, to train him on how to be Justin Bieber. In order to save money, because it is so cheap to clone Justin Biebers, the clone Biebers are fed on an exclusive, inexpensive diet of Justin Bieber clone meat.
What else would you expect to find in Justin Bieber's basement? Let us know in the comments!