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10 Best Highlights From E3!

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The world of video games held it's annual E3 Expo event last week where tons of news about the latest titles were announced. Here are some of the highlights of the conference. And, well, some of the low lights. Honest to God, this article will have NO MIDDLE LIGHTS.


1. PlayStation Vita Debuts


Despite sounding like a Greek sandwich, the PlayStation Vita received an incredibly positive reception for it's impressive graphics, compelling launch lineup, and competitive price point. In other news, homeless people are very excited about all the Nintendo 3DSs they're about to be given. They'll make very hard, but very resilient pillows.


2. Nintendo Moves Into The HD Generation With The Wii U


Nintendo announced their new console, the Wii U. I think the "U" stands for "Ulysses", Shigeru Miyamoto's favorite James Joyce novel. In addition to being the first Nintendo console to feature HD graphics, the Wii U features a controller with a touch screen in the middle. This opens up a ton of new gameplay possibilities such as… I literally cannot think of any new gameplay possibilities. The girl holding the Wii U is an upgrade that comes with the system for an additional $50. While that's a lot of extra money, it should be known that she makes amazing scrambled eggs.


3. Halo 4 Announced


While no details were given, it's expected that this game will feature a "first-person" perspective and the player will wield "guns" that fire "bullets" or "lasers". None of the guns will fire "kittens" that "lick your nose when they land on your nose." This is considered depressing news by pretty much everyone.


4. Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword To Be Released This Holiday Season


This is the 25th anniversary of Nintendo's super duper popular classic Zelda series… And to celebrate they are releasing a new game called Skyward Sword, scheduled for release this year (after being in the works for how long? Since about 2006?). The game promises to deliver everything Zelda fans are looking for in the new game and then some… but nobody gave a crap because…




Good God this is what Zelda would look like in HD on the Wii U. Skyward Sword is now expected to become the top-selling game of all time for grandmothers who get confused when you tell them what you want for your birthday. Also, that giant metal spider is based on the real life giant metal spider that killed Shigeru Miyamoto's brother when he was only 19. It was arrested, and tried, but got out on a technicality, and Shigeru has been looking for a way to avenge his brother ever since.


6. Star Wars Kinect Lets You Be A Jedi


Yeah, pretending to be a JEDI… Wielding a lightsaber in REAL TIME… Thank you SO MUCH Microsoft. THAT is EXACTLY what I want to do with my Kinect. (I hope that doesn't read as sarcastic because that is in fact exactly what I want to do with my Kinect.) You think you are soooooo great don't you Kinect, with your special little censor that senses how i move oh WAY TO GO, yeah OK you're better than me FINE. Like I care! Like I ****** care! (sound of empty bottle of gin being thrown sadly at the TV, followed by weeping).


7. Sly Cooper 4 Revealed


So. If you're into that, there's that. No one's into that.


8. Smash Bros Whispered About


This is seriously the only thing I need to get excited about the Wii U– a mere sentence stating that a new Smash Bros is being worked on. There were no screen shots shown, no characters announced, nothing. Nevertheless, I went into GameStop today, threw money at the counter guy and shouted the words "SMASH BROTHERS" at him for 45 minutes. Listen, I know they're not taking pre-orders on it yet. But I had to do something.


9. BioShock Infinite Ruled Game of the Year 2012, Probably Also 2013, 2014


Winning many gaming critic's Game of the Show award, BioShock Infinite is looking like it'll be the best game of 2012. Many rival publishers who also have games coming out in 2012 were heard to make quips such as "More like BioSchlock" and "BioShock Infinite? Infinite what? Stupidity?" It was actually really hard to watch. Especially when their fist bumps started to get rejected.


10. Uncharted 3's Graphics Look Amazing

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Here's a conversation I had today with my mom:

MOM: I feel sorry for any children born after today.

ME: You do? Why?

MOM: Well, because when you were born I thought you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. But if I gave birth to you today, after having seen these new Uncharted 3 screen shots, I would think you looked like human garbage.

ME: That's kind of a hurtful thing to say, Mom.

MOM: I'm sorry but I can't look at anything but Uncharted 3 screen shots anymore without feeling sick to my stomach. Seriously, do you want to take the dog home with you? Because if you don't I'm probably just going to throw him away.

What stories coming out of E3 are you most excited about? Speak of them in the comments!

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