10 Best Ways To Spend Your Last Day On Earth
May 21st, 2011. What a time to go out. We’re in a post Rebecca Black Amurrca ladies, and things just aren’t what they used to be. History has lead our planet to this one, climactic series finale. And with the end of the world upon us, here are the 10 best ways to spend your last day on Earth.
10. Drive Fast
Nothing is more exhilarating than speed + danger. And since it’s your last day on Earth, you have nothing to lose. All the side streets will most likely be mobbed with people pulling out their hair and waving Bibles, but the freeways should be clear. So go take mom’s Jeep Cherokee out of the garage and treat it like the Millennium Falcon in hyperspace.
9. Go Skinny Dipping
Find water, ditch clothes, rinse, dry, repeat. The oceans will all disappear in mere hours and you can’t miss out on your last chance at living out this classic 70s movie cliché. And the best part, you don’t have to worry about sunscreen.
8. Liberate a Monkey From the Zoo and Make Him Your Sidekick
Live out your dreams people! Making memories should be a shared experience and having a sassy, know-it-all monkey named Dennis will really make this whole “living” thing worth it. Best part, you can tailor your monkey as you see fit. Throw some glasses and a hoodie on – hipster monkey. Stethoscope – Dr. Monkey. Give him a Stealers jersey – he becomes the perfect Ben Roethlisberger look-a-like.
7. Eat It
Eat everything you’ve ever wanted. Crash a Morton’s and steal a $400 dollar burger, drink your weight in milkshakes, gorge yourself on kettle corn. It doesn’t matter people, you’ll look great the next day. A global apocalypse will be way more slimming than Jillian Michael’s boot camp.
6. Watch USA’s White Collar
It’s really good! Lots of fast talking witty dialogue, charming criminals; characters are so goddamn welcome you guys! If you find yourself with any down time as you’re lacing up for the zombie apocalypse, spending it watching this show. And unlike the end of days, this story is WAY less predictable.
5. Max Out Your Credit Card to Get a Bunch of Tattoos
Okay, by this time it’s already getting to be mid-afternoon so we have to start doubling up on some of this stuff. This could also be a great bonding experience for you and Dennis – the biker monkey. You know what’s even more bada$$ than witnessing the end of the world first hand? Witnessing the end of the world first hand with a bunch of tattoos.
4. Race Through an Airport Terminal and Kiss a Stranger.
Make sure to catch him or her right before they get on their flight. You will make this person feel like the luckiest, most specialist (albeit slightly creeped out) person ever. And chances are the only people who are gonna survive this thing are the people flying in the sky that god forgets about. Trust me, God is super forgetful, this is the second time Harrold Camping has had to predict the end of the world, which was originally supposed to happen in September, 1994. But a certain “celestial being,” who will remain nameless, forgot to plug it into his iCal.
3. Steal a Horse and Ride Through a City
You and cowboy Dennis can ride into the sunset in style as you make your way through the looting and riots on Earth’s most pristine yet rideable creature. Who knows, when it’s poc-time this little guy might just turn in to a unicorn and whisk you off to a magical kingdom. Worst-case scenario – you spend a few hours looking awesome!
2. Organize the World’s Largest Game of Laser Tag
It’s getting late and you want to go out on a bang! Best thing to do, grab a bunch of like-minded people, raid an Ultrazone, and let the games begin. Last man standing gets to inhabit the spirit of the second coming! And no RELOADS!
1. Delete Your Facebook
It’s time you guys. The sun has set, (or just disappeared) the streets are quiet, and you have mere seconds to live. What better way to go out than with a feeling of complete and total liberation. Go to account settings, click delete account, and confirm. Then sit back as a completely free human being and relish in the destruction of this crazy, awesome planet.
How do you plan on spending your last day on earth?