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10 Jobs That Will Get You Killed

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It's said that the average American will change careers at least five times in their lives. This is a startling number, especially when compared to the number of career changes from our previous generation, which was zero because everyone had factory jobs and were falling into incinerators or losing the front of their faces to wood chippers before they were old enough to reconsider their career choice. So maybe it's not the people but the jobs themselves that are changing. We need a hint of danger in our careers if we're to find them fulfilling, and if that is indeed the case, these jobs will have the best retention rates ever! Here are the top ten jobs that will get you killed:


Camp Counselor


A lot of people think the popularity of summer camps is on the wane due to the advent of video games and social media. But the actual reason is that every single camp counselor from TKTKTK year of first Jason movie TKTKTK until today has been killed by Jason the first time they have sex, in accordance with the rules of all horror movies. Because they were unable to reproduce without being murdered, the species of Camp Counselor has been extinct for years.


Corporate Yes-Man


No one can do the wretched things it takes to become a successful member of Corporate America without constantly lying and betraying their beliefs, and that weighs heavy on the soul of a man. Granted, because of your health care package and 401k you'll live well into your 80s, 90s even, but you'll have died on the inside long before then.


Cop with Young Daughter and One Last Day on the Force


Come on. Don't taunt destiny.


Knight of the Kingsguard


Knights of the Kingsguard are expected to lay down their lives for the King, so dying is literally in their job description. Thankfully there haven't been a ton of openings in the Kingsguard as of late now that kings aren't in perpetual battle with the armies of usurpers and traitors to the crown.


Magician's Assistant


Magicians throw a lot of knives at their assistants and often cut them in half with a saw. So you'll probably die from those incredibly dangerous things.


Stilt-Walking Fire-Spitting Jesters who also Juggles Knives


There are a lot of chemicals in their clown makeup, so a lot of the stilt-walking fire spiting jesters who also juggle knives end up with a lot of weakened immune systems. It's sad, really.


Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher


Or any teaching position cursed by an all-powerful wizard, really.


Red-Shirted Crew Member on the USS Enterprise


I don't care how uncooperative you look on your first day. If they continue to assign you a uniform with a red shirt, you continue to take it back and ask for another one.




I get it, the economy's bad. Like the rest of America, you're having trouble finding a job. So what do you do? Take your red cape and go dance in front of a BULL? Are you kidding me right now?! Remember how your mom wanted you to take business classes? That was so you don't end up ANTAGONIZING A BULL. Seriously man! A BULL! Get a job at McDonald's! Don't get killed by a BULL! A BULL!. I CANNOT. EMPHASIZE. ENOUGH. How badly you want to avoid getting KILLED BY A BULL.



Cancer Eater


I hope to God this isn't a job, but I don't know what they do with Cancer after they take it out of people.

What terrifying jobs are too dangerous for you to accept, even in this economy? Let us know in the comments.

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