10 Movie Sports Teams We Should Not Have Rooted For
There is nothing better than an Epic Sports drama, they’re tear jerkers for men and they’re awesome. I dare you to find any man who can get through watching “The Natural” with out crying and incessantly talking about his dad. It’s the “Cat’s In the Cradle” of movies!
The only problem is that not all of these prolific sports movies follow heroic teams. And we end up rooting for who we think are the good guys but in some cases are far more villainous than their opponents. Which is why I put together a list of the 10 teams we should NOT have rooted for in sports movies.
10. The Prisoners in The Longest Yard
Everyone in this movie is a horrible person. Whether it the original 70s version, or the more recent Adam Sandler movie… rooting for a bunch of convicted criminals to beat up on some local government workers is a hard sell.
9. USA in D2: The Mighty Ducks
For those of you who haven’t revisited your VHS drawer recently, The Mighty Ducks 2 takes place during the Junior Olympics (totally a real thing) where the US is set to face down the evil Russian team in the final game. The only problem is we’re cheering for a group of middle class white kids from Minnesota who don’t need hockey to succeed in life because they can grow up to be sales associates and have a killer life. The poor kids on the Russian team have been whipped their whole lives into thinking that this game is all that matters, and when they finish they go back to the coldest place on earth where they will work 40 hours days for stale bread (clearly I’ve been to Russia, lots).
8. Sidney and Billy in White Men Can’t Jump
Harrelson and Snipes play HORRIBLE people who screw other poor people out of money to pay off the mob. So why exactly are we cheering for their never-ending quest of streetball fame? We reach a point in life where what was cool when we were sixteen isn’t cool as an adult. Things like fireworks, day-drinking, and dating a senior in high school. Also, hustling street basketball, which when Woody Harrelson does it… comes off like a bad after school special.
7. The Gryffindor House Quidditch team in Harry Potter
Why is there an entire game being played, if the only thing that matters is catching that a$$hole snitch? And furthermore, Harry Potter wins EVERYTHING!? He can’t just let the athletic achievements belong to someone else? Every time I watch I hope Hufflepuff wins, cause that would be an inspiring underdog story! Also, if they’re flying when they play Quidditch, why is there a field?
6. The White Sox in Eight Men Out
INT. HOLLYWOOD PITCH MEETING – DAY
STUDIO EXEC – “Okay guys, we’re finally gonna get our chance to put John Cusack in a sports movie! I know no one will buy it but we’ll make about a sports team from fifty years ago with only one sort of famous player. It’ll be baseball of course cause that’s the most exciting. And we’re gonna convince America to root for the guys who are cheating, gambling, and throwing games to win money. (beat) Wait, what do you mean you love it?"
5. The Charleston Chiefs in Slapshot
A lot of people don't even know about this movie but it's friggin' hilarious. Slapshot dares us to root against the home team, which we probably should do anyway. Paul Newman spends most of the movie trying to steal his teammates wife, and raise the popularity of minor league hockey by getting in as many on ice fights as possible. F-these guys.
4. The Timberwolfs in Air Bud
Here’s a good lesson for kids… "Don’t overcome your own personal obstacles in life… Instead just hire a brainless animal to win games for you." After all, it worked for the Steelers with Ben Roethlisberger. But again, you have a situation where a team is cheating, and dozens of kids are losing faith in fairness and honest competition. These are the kids that grow up and exploit Wallstreet people. Did we learn nothing from Disney’s Gus!?
3. Webb/Noonan in Caddy Shack
Chevy Chase in this movie is no better than his rival. The only reason we are rooting for him is because of those dimples, and when Danny (the caddy) has to sink one last put for a huge chunk of money, I pray every time that he will miss it – but he never does. He spends most of the movie complaining about not getting good enough grades, putting no effort into his high school learnin', cheat on his girl friend, and throw away a scholarship that anyone else would kill for. This kid deserves to lose!
2. The Bears in Bad News Bears
The Bears are a team of grade school, alcoholic, underachievers. In the movie these kids learn NOTHING about good sportsmanship… all they learn about is underage drinking, swearing, and giving people the bird. Maybe if they had one quick montage of positive reinforcement they wouldn’t end up bitter and jaded 12 year olds spraying beer all over each other.
1. Notre Dame in Rudy
Alright relax guys, I’m not saying it’s a bad movie. Everyone cries when Samwise runs out onto the field… but we’re forgetting the bigger picture here… we are rooting for Notre Dame. They were the powerhouse of collegiate football when Rudy came out, and yet we still view them as the underdog in this film. After this polarizing conservative Catholic school picks apart it’s opponent and is up by 4.5 million points, they then decide to embarrass the other team by parading a hobbit onto the field. If Notre Dame was a man he would have followed this humiliation by grabbing his crotch and spitting at the opposing team’s cheerleaders.
What other sports teams from movies should we NOT have been rooting for and why? Can't wait to read your funny comments below!