10 Places You Should Lie About Having Vacationed To In Order To Make Your ‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation’ Essay As Easy As Possible
So with Summer upon us I, @danborrelli, began to reminisce about all the great summer vacations I took as a kid. Of course, when you’re in you’re twenties you’re no longer allowed to do that without serving your obligatory year in the Occupy movement then selling out for a decent paying job. But those vacations as a kid were awesome. Some of the best memories I have. However, I always had a hard time when school began writing my “how I spent my summer vacation” essay. Maybe I couldn’t capture the essence of the Jersey Shore, maybe I couldn’t find the words to describe the beauty of Space Camp. Either way, I’ve decided to come up with this list to hopefully help future generations. So here are 10 places you should lie about having vacationed to in order to make your “how I spent my summer vacation” essay as easy as possible.
10.) NEW YORK CITY
This is the go-to. Just watch any movie ever and you have a 50% shot of it taking place in NYC. Some light googling and all of a sudden you’ve opened up a world of descriptive images and experiences you can use to flood your paper. I’m not advocating cheating so much as I’m advocating problem solving. No where in the assignment does it say you had to have physically gone anywhere. – Science
9.) ANYWHERE IN MEXICO
This one’s easy. Just talk about how terrified you were and how the drug war has gotten out of control. Through in a couple lines about the Aztecs and you should be good for the A. Bonus points if you talk about a sibling getting captured and Liam Neeson saving them.
Just watch that Baz Luhrmann movie and pretend it’s how your parents met. Then talk about how going back to all of those places was great even though the spark from your parents’ marriage is gone and they are now both just passionless shells of everything they used to be. Trust me, your teacher will relate.
7.) JOHN MALKOVICH’S HOUSE
You can pretty much make anything up here and it’s believable. You should start with talking about his creepy obsession with sitting in giant rooms alone while talking to Siri on his iPhone. Why does he laugh SO hard at that joke!? It makes NO SENSE! Then you can talk about how he would through naked parties and ride elephants and whatnot. Just let your imagination take over, it worked for him like 30 years ago. Also watch Rounders, it’s rad.
6.) NORTH KOREA
Just talk about how amazing Kim Jong Un is and how he and his father are responsible for the greatest inventions and movies of all time. If your teacher questions it, just tell him or her that you had to write the essay like this in order to get it out of the country. And if she asks you what the trip was really like, just start crying.
You can write about how great it was to take over a country with nothing but a passport and 6 Amurrcan dollars. They have great beaches, food, nightlife; and you experienced all of it for less than an Avengers ticket. Add a will-they-or-wont-they B story and you’ll have quite the adventure saga.
The place where dreams come true and essays become simple. Step one, watch March of the Penguins. Step 2, stop crying from realizing the beauty of what you just watched. Step 3, write an essay about how it was cold, while throwing in moments from the movie. Step 4, shove you’re “A” in the face of that kid who bragged about going Disneyland.
3.) THE LONDON OLYMPICS
Finally, a staycation essay. You can do this entire paper from your couch and the teacher wont know the difference. Bonus points if you through in some reviews about the city itself, which you can find online. And make sure to order your “Michael Phelps is the Merman” T-shirt early because it’ll take a while to ship.
This one is easy. First you just CENSORED your CENSORED for the day. Then ask your CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED for help. Make sure you ask CENSORED for CENSORED CENSORED. And bonus points for adding CENSORED. You may need to google SUPERCENSORED5000.
1.) BACK IN TIME TO THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR
Ahh yeahhhh! This is the “A” essay to end all “A” essays, the coup de gras to summer assignments, the victory lap around BS lane. Simply start the essay by explaining how your uncle, who works at Lockheed Martin has been working on some super top secret project. And when you went to visit, you entered a top secret chamber. Next thing you remember was having “dreams” about fighting alongside George Washington, running from the red coats, and leading a small militia to help bring reinforcements to Virginia. (Feel free to go back and add any facts/tidbits from old 4th grade papers. You know you kept them for a reason) When it’s all over, you woke up in your bed at home, your parents said you passed out from a gas leek. But when you roll over, you see the small pocket knife that a beautiful young Native American gave you on your adventure. Was it a dream…
Where do you want to spend your summer vacation. Let me know by tweeting at me @DanBorrelli or in the comments below