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10 Reasons I Hate Animal Movies

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I don’t hate many things—ok maybe I do—but one thing I especially hate is animal movies. They’re just ridiculous. And I don’t mean Finding Nemo or Lion King, I mean ones about horses having a dramatic tale of loss or dogs being vital to their owner’s life (with the exception of Best in Show.) Specifically, I mean Dolphin Tale. Here are just a few of the reasons I hate animal movies.


I Don’t Care If That Horse Wins The Race Or Loses The Race Or Dies In The Race


Seriously, Seabiscuit. I don’t care about horse racing or animal feelings.


Chipmunks Don’t Sing


I mean, I wish they wouldn’t. Alvin and Co. aren’t adorable (maybe they’re a little adorable) and their singing makes me mingle with suicide. (Do they even make guitars that size?) I’d rather be Rosie O’Donnell’s toilet. 


Beverly Hills Chihuahua


Really? Really? (However, I can not resist that wonderful pun.)


I Have A Difficult Time Relating To Dolphins With Fake Tales


I mean tails. It’s much easier for me to empathize with dolphins with real tails. I mean tales. I mean, whatever.


Dolphins Aren’t Brave


Ok, maybe you’re a dolphin and you beg to differ, but as far as we humans know, they’re not brave. They swim and eat fish and are mammals and eat fish and are in movies and live at Seaworld. (But if Morgan Freeman says they’re brave, I could possibly be dissuaded.)


Dolphins Are Gray


Violets are blue, I’d prefer to rewatch old James Bond movies, how about you?


They Always* Have The Worst Actors


*By always, I’m solely referring to Garfield and Alvin and the Chipmunks, including its squeakwels.


They Make Lots Of Money


I like money and you like money but I don’t like when you make lots of money and I only make pasta and no sense. Also, I’m not a big fan of animal movies, in case you didn’t know, so I prefer to see their failure.


The Wild Things Are Not Animals


I think I liked that movie. I don’t think I ever decided, but they’re not animals, so they can’t be in this category. (I think they’re either puppets and/or arachnids.)


Garfield Is A Comic Strip, Not A Feature Film


Ugh, that movie is disgusting. (And I mean disgusting in the figurative sense of the word.)

Do you love animals? Cool! Tell us in the comments below! And yell at us for being insensitive!

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