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10 Reasons Why LeBron James Sucks

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After weeks of speculation Two-Time MVP and Six-Time All Star NBA free agent LeBron James finally signed with the Miami Heat late last week.



He left his former team the Cleveland Cavaliers after seven seasons.



Police were called in to guard James’s estate in Bath, Ohio the day the announcement was made, in case angry Cavs fans decided to riot and turn on their former beloved superstar.



Luckily, cooler heads prevailed and no incidents were reported.

The problem is, I don’t see why people think LeBron is so great. He’s never won a championship. And, come to think of it, he hasn’t even done a lot of the cool things some of his less famous or popular NBA peers have.

Here are ten reasons LeBron James isn’t that great of an NBA star if you ask me:


1. Never Changed Sports

He’s never quit a lucrative NBA career to suck at minor league baseball. What a lack of commitment to being uncommitted.


2. Never Punched Out A Fanboy

He’s never charged into the stands to fight a group of fans in the waning seconds of a game. Super lame. Black eyes are souvenirs, too.


3. Never Lead A Fashion Trend

Sure he’s got a bunch of annoying tattoos but he’s never worn one of these sweet Hannibal Lecter shortbus face masks. What? Is he too cool to look a little dorky in the name of safety?


4. Never Burst Into Flames Mid-Dunk

He’s never literally caught on fire NBA Jam style during a regulation game. Scotty Pippen used to do that all the time in the 90’s.


5. Never Caught Packing Heat

He’s never pulled a handgun on a teammate in a locker room over a gambling debt on Christmas Eve. This shows a lack of team/Christmas spirit.


6. Never Been A Harlem Globetrotter

Maybe he’s afraid to play on a team of actually talented players. The hacks in the NBA never spin a ball (or multiple balls) on their fingers, use a trampoline or pants each other at half court during a game. The Trotters know how to keep a game interesting; LeBron, not so much.


7. Never Dressed In Drag

LeBron James has never worn a feather boa to a press conference or exposed his pierced navel while wearing only a pair of day-glow hot pants at Las Vegas nightclub. Geez, what is this guy Amish or something?


8. Never Dropped A Rap Album

He’s never recorded a rap album or announced its release date while being interviewed immediately after winning the 2010 NBA Championships like Ron Artest did. Maybe LeBron is secretly in an emo band.


9. Never Married A Kashdashian

He’s never even dated one of the Dash dolts let alone had the cajones to marry the fattest, most annoying one like Lamar Odom did. LeBron = Woman-hating wimp


10. Never Starred In The Movie Kazaam

Best. Shaq. Movie. Ever.

Enough said.


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