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10 Signs You’re No Longer A Kid

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What is adulthood? Just because some Gregorian calendar said you’re now 18 or 21 years old doesn’t mean you magically start possessing all the answers and are capable of responsibly consuming alcohol. One must earn his/her “adult” status through a series of behaviors. Here are some ways you can identify if your Bar Mitzvah or Confirmation really worked, and you are ready to sally forth into “the real world.”


You say “no” to yourself instead of waiting for you parents to say it to you


You’ve learned the hard way that having chocolate lava cake every time you see it on the menu does, in fact, lead to type II diabetes…. and dirt doesn’t taste as good as it looks.


You realize you need to have "savings," so you stop giving to charity


You’ve learned what all “responsible” adults know: you need to look after #1. Let someone else take care of the world’s starving children – what if you have unanticipated medical expenses?


You resent new gaming systems instead of immediately signing up to buy them


Just when you learned all the secret passwords on your PlayStation 1,000,000, PlayStation comes out with the 1,000,001. But this time, you’re more resentful of “the system” than you are jealous of your friends’ new toys. So you hold out on buying one… until your friends get wise to why you come over so often, at which point you dip into your “savings.”


When you’re sick, you go get your own medicine


Instead of lying in bed, meowing for your mom to bring you soup, you take down some Advil… and then you call your mom & whine about how your head hurts because it’s firmly inscribed in the Motherhood Contract that she listens to these things.


You came up with all the answers to the security questions on your online bank account


No more guessing what your dad’s favorite color is; you set up this account on your own. But you can still go back to your parents for extra cash to cover the maintenance fees and hidden charges you neglected to notice when you opened it.


You no longer threaten to kick your doctor in the nuts


No more screaming, “I will kick you!” at the patient nurse holding a syringe of flu vaccine. You suck it up, allowing medical professionals to place their hands in increasingly inappropriate places as you age. (WARNING: You will one day learn that no orifice is sacred from the healing fingers of your helpful doctor. That includes you dudes!)


You start to see the value in “going to bed at a decent hour”


Who knew? Turns out you DO feel better after getting eight hours of sleep. And, as much as you want to stay up watching random documentaries on Netflix, your alarm clock isn’t going to adjust accordingly. So you begrudgingly put yourself to bed, punching the stuffed animals for good measure.


You’ve authorized the sale of your Beanie Baby collection.


Remember all the times your parents approached you about how valuable your tag-intact royal blue “Peanut” is? And you cried, claiming it as one of your “children”? Well, you’ve grown up since then, and you could really use the $5,000 toward a new gaming system, so you Sophie’s Choice that pouch of beans.

What do you guys think? Have you found yourselves doing other behaviors symptomatic of adulthood? Feel free to list some more in the comments section.

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