10 Things I Hate About Earth Day
Earth Day thinks it’s so great. It just sits there, on its day. All innocent and such. Well, I think Earth Day isn’t so great, and here’s why.
1. It shouldn’t just be ONE “day”
Planet Earth is kinda a big deal, and it seems a little patronizing to just give it 24 hours of recognition. Rebecca Black gets more attention than that. We should love our planet every day. We should recycle constantly! And we should be walking more! And we should be giving trees the right to bear arms!
2. Where’s Saturn’s day?
Saturn is by far the superior planet. It’s bigger and better and has really awesome rings. I say that all planets should be treated equal, with the right to liberty or whatever.
3. Environmentalists are so judgmental
I mean, come on! All I want to do is use hair spray, take my fleet of Hummers to my neighbor’s house, and leave my air conditioning on 24/7 simultaneously, and they give me those dirty looks. What do they want me to do? WALK across the street?
4. Tree intimcacy issues
Ever since my heart was surgically removed at the end of the 19th century, I have felt no affection… for humans… let alone trees. Seeing all this “saving” and “helping” and "tree huggin" makes me extremely uncomfortable.
5. Forced contact with outsiders
Because it’s Earth Day, our conscience makes a guest appearance and convinces us to be ethical and logical by utilizing reusable water bottles… not using air conditioning to an extreme extent… and riding bikes places, which means contact with Outsiders and people we don't know. I hate people I don't know.
6. Celebrations increase smog
People feel better about themselves (and their SUVs) when actively participating in Earth Day gatherings, which often block streets and consequently increase traffic, which, ironically, increase the amount of smog emissions.
7. I hate hippies
Earth Day is an excuse for hippies and ex-hippies and wannabe hippies to come out of the woods and into the streets with common folk. Hide your kids, hide your wife. Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your weed.
8. I have to go outside
Once I decided that I would stay away from the outside as much as possible after my pet banana died of overheating in the late ‘30s, I have spent most of my time conspiring in my Himalayan cave. But for Earth Day each year, I do my small part by going outside and plant four and a half trees.
9. Green means salad and I hate salads
When I think “earth day,” I think “eco friendly” and “green.” And “green” reminds me of salad, which reminds me of hunger and not eating hamburgers and/or bacon.
10. It’ll be a trending topic
Earth Day will become a trending topic on Twitter, which will take the place of something else that deserves our attention, such as #ilovesmosh or #howtopostasmoshlinktoyourfacebook.
What do you hate about Earth Day? How could we improve it? Let me know in the comments.