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10 Things To Try When You Become Super Rich

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You ever bring a cake to a party and suddenly you're the "cake guy?" "Hey, dude who brought the cake!" they'll call to you. "Come over here! And bring some cake with you!" They don't even know your NAME. That's how your life is going to be once you are rich– everyone wants what you have and no one wants you.

Anyways, here's some awesome stuff you can buy with all that money you would have if you were rich!


1. Get Those Lawn Chairs You've Been Meaning To Buy Since Last Summer


It's just, you know, lawn chairs are so expensive. Now that you aren't forced to scour Craigslist any longer, you can purchase them brand new! No longer will you have to lay outside on a towel draped over a homemade skateboard ramp.


2. Buy Either A Baseball Team Or Collect Every NES Game. NOT BOTH.


Owning a baseball team and a complete NES collection are both solid, yet pricey, investments– Have you seen how much Nintendo Campus Challenge cartridges go for? And you're going to want to immediately answer for yourself the age-old question– sports vs. video games. This question is every bit as crucial to your development as love vs. career if you're a male born after 1984.


3. Pay Off Your Student Loans


Student loan companies pay for nearly everyone's education. And rich people are literally the only people who can ever pay them back. So keep those lenders alive. You'd be surprised, but it's hard for them to generate cash flow with nothing but excuses and unanswered phone calls.


4. Buy Your Family A House


Then you have one indisputable good deed to point to when the press asks you about all the unspeakably evil things you do with your money. Allegedly.


5. Donate A Hospital Wing Anonymously


When they put up a plaque reading "Donated by Anonymous" in the new hospital wing you've provided, families everywhere will be eternally grateful to whoever made it possible for the hospital to save their child or grandfather's life. So what a gift it will be to your first child when you name them "Anonymous."


6. Buy The Bahamas


All of them. Buy every. Last. Bahama.


7. Make A Fortress Of Solitude


It'd be wise to have a place to go where you can reminisce about conversations with your friends that didn't end with stories about how they really have to make a student loan payment this week and are starting to get really, no REALLY nervous about it.


8. Buy Happiness


I feel like I read somewhere that that's how happiness works. Not sure where they sell happiness though. Cold Stone Creamery?


9. Smooth Secret 20 Dollar Handshake


Don't say anything about it. Just keep a 20 in your palm and slip it to the other person when you shake their hand. Even if it's a friend you run into on the street. Nothing could ever be smoother.


10. Rent A Skybox To Watch An NBA Game


When you enter a skybox at an NBA game, it is an entirely different world. The moisturizing soap with abrasive rocks inside is complimentary, the faucets flow champagne and the rare albino rhinoceros meat is tender. Or at least, that's the rumor. No one who's ever been in a skybox at an NBA game is open to talking about what actually happens in a skybox at an NBA game.

What would you do if you were rich? Tell us in the comments!

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