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10 Worst Facebook Gifts

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Facebook gifts have always struck me as weird. I mean, you give a dollar to Facebook, and then you get to give someone a thumbnail-sized picture of a sock monkey. Sock monkeys are great, but I could, you know, Google one. Look!



And no money was exchanged!

Well, even though they made like $50 million selling pixels, as of today, the Facebook gift shop is closed.

Below are 10 of the worst Facebook gifts available on the last day. There might have been worse gifts at some point in the past, but I couldn’t find a lame gift archive. I apologize for the image quality on these; the gifts are tiny, and I had to do a little CSI style “zoom in, enhance” action. I also didn’t make these up, because why would I make up virtual Paris Hilton Valentine’s chocolate? 


10. Paris Hilton Valentine's Day Box of Chocolates

When you think “Paris Hilton,” you think “romantic Valentine’s Day Gift.” Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean “romantic Valentine’s Day Gift,” I meant “vapid used-up skank.” Is this gift supposed to be for girls? “Oh, Paris Hilton chocolates! I hope there’s a good mix between dark chocolates and herpes chocolates.”  


9. Tissues

This was categorized as a “romantic” gift, but as far as I know, the only romance associated with tissue boxes the romance between a man and himself. A love that will never die.


8. Box With Hole

Hum. What’s supposed to go in that hole? It’s a mystery. A classy mystery.


7. Domo Farts A Red Heart for Valentine’s Day

There’s a whole series of “angry farting Domo” gifts, but this is the one that lets someone know you care. Don’t try sending it for Sweetest Day or Mother’s Day, this is a Valentine’s Day heart-farting Japanese monster. On a side note, shouldn’t the heart would be a shade closer to, well, brown?


6. Polka Dot Thong

Who is this for? Does it symbolize friendship forged by a shared love of skimpy underwear? Is this a gift a girl sends to her man to let her know she owns undergarments?

Girls, if you are thinking about spending a dollar on Facebook panties as a gift for your man, don’t. We prefer the dollar.


5. Broken BFF Locket

“Hey, ex-friend, let’s give a dollar to Facebook so that people know we aren’t close anymore.” “I accept your gift. Now %#@^ off!”


4. L,E,V, AND O

These were the only single letters in the gift shop, and they were categorized as “romantic,” so I bet you are supposed to use them to spell “love.” But the letters were out of order. It’s not only an expensive virtual gift; it’s a challenging word game for romantic illiterates.

I say, stick it to Facebook, and give someone you care about a VOLE.


3. Tila Tequila Sexy Birthday Cake

According to my bathroom scale, I LOVE cake. But never, ever, in any of my cake fantasies (there are a lot), have I considered cake “sexy.” Laying panties near something doesn’t make something sexier, otherwise we’d have a whole lot of “hot” laundry baskets. Then there’s the fact you are buying a double-priced, Tila Tequila themed virtual present. “A cake with a picture of a has-been, pregnancy-faking, reality star? How sexy! Best Birthday EVAR!”


2. Mom Tattoo

This one was categorized as a “romantic” gift, but since the end result of romance is usually “doin’ it,” I can’t imagine who you are supposed to give this to. I guess I could send one to your mom, since she totally stayed over last night for real. (ZING!)


1. Pink Ribbon

There were a whole bunch of charity Facebook gifts, where the proceeds went to help earthquake victims or starving people or whatever. Since the pink ribbon is associated with the fight against breast cancer, you think the proceeds would go towards a charity like the American Cancer Society. NOPE. The pink ribbon was categorized as “fashion,” and as far as I can tell, the money went elsewhere. It’s like saying, “I don’t like breast cancer, so I gave a dollar to Mark Zuckerberg.” What a waste. The man doesn’t even have breasts.


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