The 10 Worst Supervillain High-Tech Gadgets
Supervillains are known for having the most inventive gadgets, the most advanced weaponry, and the most needlessly complicated means of eradicating their enemies or anyone else who happens to accidentally walk in front of the ray gun when it’s turned on. But clearly not every supervillain shops from the same Etsy store, as you can see by the following not-so-dastardly devices soon to be in a dollar store near you.
Transforming Groin Weapon
Purpose: To get back at all the women he believed dumped him because of his short-changed sexual attributes and not simply because he’s an ass, Codpiece created a transforming genital weapon that could destroy anything in the most sublimated sexual urges way possible. The end result was a villain no one could make direct eye contact with as Codpiece still spent his every weekend—and weeknight—alone.
Flying Bike Killer Air Horn
Villain: Turner D. Century
Purpose: What do you do when you want to take San Francisco back from the hippies and inadvertently create a city of early-bird specials and runs on Centrum multivitamins? If you were Turner D. Century you would have attached an air horn to your flying bicycle that when heard killed everyone under the age of 65, if only because anyone older couldn’t hear it.
Villain: Goody Two-Shoes
Purpose: Atomic boots were literally kick-ass shoes that only proved effective if no one thought to just punch Goody Two-Shoes in the mouth. That’s because while the special boots gave him the strength of The Thing from the ankles down, he was otherwise completely normally and stupidly unarmed, meaning he’d get in a few good cheap shots before someone just twisted his nose until he cried.
Villain: Ruby Thursday
Purpose: Brilliant scientist/not-entirely-logical villain Ruby Thursday grafted an organic super computer that could assume any form she wanted. That is, only after a surgery in which the newly headless doc probably realized that she couldn’t see the tools necessary to complete the operation. Alas, all that artificial intelligence still didn’t help her realize she looked like she had just hot-glued a Brunswick bowling ball to her neck.
Instant Ring Maker
Villain: The Ringer
Purpose: The Instant Ring Maker (which sounds like something only advertised during the holidays as a stocking stuffer) let the Ringer create metal circles out of thin air…so long as that air was full of soot or smog. (In other words, in farm country he was screwed.) Then he could use those rings to throw as weapons, to build a ladder, to perhaps make dangling cumbersome earrings, or maybe even earn extra money as a magician at kids’ parties when he realized hurling mini hula hoops do not a successful crime spree make.
Purpose: How frightening could letters or a font be? Well, what if those letters were in the shape of a weapon that started with that letter, like a “K” knife or a “W” wiffle bat? And what if the villain Typeface could combine those letters to create any device he wanted, like a game of Scrabble connected to a 3-D printer? And what if while he was trying to remember how to spell “hallucination machine” you just kicked away his letters and slapped him real hard instead?
Amplified Insect Noises
Purpose: Combining the headache-inducing power of noise and the general “ew” factor of insects, Humbug emitted a series of sound waves from recording of various bugs chewing, mating, or cursing out someone for putting a microphone so damn close to them. While the weapon was effective it didn’t make Humbug an attractive villain, and soon he was losing out crime story arcs to people who didn’t wake up thinking “I wonder what a dung beetle sounds like screaming.”
Kites, Kites, and More Kites
Purpose: Showing what happens when you take a theme too far (and sincerely believe “wind” is advanced technology), Kite-Man not only flew around in a big kite but also tried to confuse his enemies by throwing smaller kites at them. (Like an angry kid who bought in bulk at a drug store toy aisle.) Quite frankly, he would have had better results if he had simply tossed paper planes at his nemeses, each with some choice swear words written inside to show he really meant business.
Villain: Polka-Dot Man
Purpose: When each dot was removed from the less-than-fashionable or formidable suit it could transform into any round-shaped device necessary for crime, from a flying saucer to a Frisbee sure to result in mild head injuries to perhaps an elegant serving tray for killer or at least criminally undercooked cocktail franks.
Villain: Rainbow Raider
Purpose: Frustrated that his own colorblindness prevented him from becoming a great artist or apparently sensible human being, Rainbow Raider used special goggles that emitted a solid rainbow light. This colorful beam could then sap the color from the world, affect people’s moods, help him steal art, and make one wonder if they were being attacked by a Skittles commercial.
Which one was your favorite? Let me know in the comments!