The 10 Worst Things About The New Ke$ha Video
"Holy crap! When the frig is the new Ke$ha album dropping? I'm just dying to hear what she does next!" – said no one ever. Well despite the fact that no one was really clamoring for more, she's back with her new album Warrior. Yay. Not only that but the first video from the album was just released and it's completely WTF! Here's a look at the video where Ke$ha plays a cult leader or something.
Yeah. Well as you may be able to tell I am totally not drinking the Ke$ha Kool Aid. But that doesn't mean I'm not willing to break the video down. Here's a look at the 10 Worst about it. See what I do for you guys?
The fact that I have to admit Ke$ha looks like she's been working out
There are a ton of reasons you can make fun of Ke$ha, but here shapeless body is no longer one of them. As a douchebag might say, her body is banging. But I'm pretty sure pumping iron doesn't eliminate cooties. It gives you more cooties. Gyms are like the non-human version of Ke$ha. At least that's the excuse I use for never going to one.
If it wasn't for this video, these two things would not have been put together
There's only one thing more disturbing than realizing that someone's actually attracted to Ke$ha. And that's realizing that the person attracted to Ke$ha is Ke$ha. Oh yeah and 'MY EYES! MY EYES!"
This unsatisfying moment where Ke$ha doesn't get shot
Can we not even have the pleasure of Ke$ha being faux gunned down?? I mean even Bieber let us have the satisfaction of seeing him blown to smithereens. Thanks a lot Ke$ha. You just made me compliment the Bieb.
Proof that Ke$ha made a deal with the devil but so stupidly forgot to ask for singing ability
Since she first hit the scene, we've all suspected that Ke$ha must have made a deal with the devil. So inexplicable is her success!! But now we have proof, because this video is full of devily-stuff. Unfortunately Ke$ha only wished to be a famous singer and not a famous good singer. This is why I spend hours perfecting my wishes so they have no loopholes, just in case I find a genie lamp in the attic one day.
Ke$ha acting sexy
So what, Ke$ha thinks she's like Britney Spears now? Even Britney Spears isn't Britney Spears anymore! So stop trying to be sexy, because there's nothing sexy about laying on a stained mattress in your underwear. Or licking the Jack Daniels-infused plaque off of your teeth.
Cuts her throat with a laser, still able to sing
I think we can all agree on one thing…this girl can't sing. She's even off key when she 'raps'. That takes a special kind of non-talent. Autotune's all like " I can only do so much, people!"
This horrifying wolf fight
Wolves just make me think of Remus Lupin. And Tonks. And how they died and now Teddy is an orphan. Then I have to make myself feel better by pretending that this is Insanity Wolf attacking Jacob Black. Because yes, I'm an adult person with the maturity level of a 12 year old. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Bisexuality Trend Officially Jumps The Shark
Lesbianism. No longer a frat boy fantasy.
These wannabe actor's doing anything for a paycheck
Imagine if your big break was having to pretend you can't keep your hands off of Ke$ha? I mean yes her body is banging, but it's still Ke$ha we're talking about. I guess that's why it's all so unconvincing. I mean I'm not blaming the actors. Daniel Day-Lewis would turn down this role because he found it too challenging.
YOLO trend still going strong
This YOLO culture must end. If 1D is jumping on the YOLO trend, it is no longer badass. Although I do have to say, when Ke$ha says YOLO I have a feeling she really might do something that will make her die young. I'm not that worried about 1D. When they say YOLO it's because they're eating a Taco Bell bean and cheese burrito that's been sitting out too long.
This Dance Move
Seriously? Do I really need to explain? Oh yeah and 'MY EYES! MY EYES!'
What's the worst thing you saw in the video? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!