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5 Best Ways To Avoid Your Family During The Holidays

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Families are great and all, and I’m glad I’m not an orphan (unless that would make me Batman!), but sometimes, they are just too much. With no school and snow, there’s even a chance we are trapped inside the house with our loved ones, kind of a real life version of Big Brother, where you don’t have a chance to leave and there’s an actual big brother there. If you want to avoid your family, here are some tips to get some alone time without hurting anyone’s feelings.


5. Get A Job

When are you hiring?

A lot of places hire people for the holidays, and hey, YOU ARE PEOPLE. Get a retail job, say you “want hours,” and you won’t have to worry about your family, your friends, or your life for an entire month! Plus, the job will probably be so horrible, you’ll actually start to miss your family. It’s a Christmas miracle!


4. Take Up Winter Jogging

You need the hat or you’ll be cold.

Tell your family you are starting your New Year’s resolution early, and you HAVE to go out and jog. If they question it, just say you want to be healthy so you live a long time and have more moments with the ones you love. That’ll shut ‘em up. You don’t actually have to jog, but go outside for a bit. Maybe go sledding? Sledding is fun.

3. Get Deathly Ill

What’s this guy’s favorite droid? Artchooo!

If you know you have an awkward holiday coming up, you have to plan ahead. And by plan ahead, I mean make out with someone who is sick. You KNOW you know someone with a virus and esteem issues. MAKE IT HAPPEN. That way, you’ll be quarantined away from the rest of the family. This works best if you aren’t hideous.


2. Wear A Hoodie (With Headphones)

Clothing is better when it includes electronics. I think it makes you a cyborg.

It’s winter – there’s a chance you’ll be wearing a hoodie anyway. Why not make it one with SECRET EARPHONES? These techno hoodie things are less expensive than actual headphones, so yeah, GOOD DEAL. I suspect witchcraft. Anyway, once you have the hoodie and are listening to some sweet jams, ask Grandpa about the war. Sure, he wasn’t IN a war, but that won’t stop him talking for a few hours. It’s a perfect time to pretend to care about old people stuff, while at the same time catch up on Green Day’s discography. Plus, you’ll be warm. Sounds like a happy holiday to me.


1. Be Exposed To Cosmic Rays, Giving You The Super-power Of Invisibility

Protip: don’t look directly at this thing

Granted, this will probably not work. Even if you could find some cosmic rays (good luck this close to Christmas), they would probably give a horrible cancer. That would make your family want to spend even more time with you, which is exactly the opposite of what you want. Plus, you know, cancer. Double lose. Maybe you should try the hoodie thing…


How do YOU avoid your family during the Holidays. Let us know in the comments!