5 Craziest REAL Conspiracy Theories!
I wanted to do something different today you guys. The internet is a magical, whimsical place where dreams come true. However, like Wonderland, if you dig too deep you end up uncovering some pretty dark stuff. I was going about my business last night, as such…
When I came across a conspiracy theory about the moon landing, of which there are many, and they are BS. Unfortunately my wiki-surfing revealed some way more dark and twisted fantasies about the truth of our world and I ended up finishing my evening of what should have been peaceful and relaxing web browsing, as such…
So now I present to you, the list of my 5 favorite conspiracy theories. Feel free to Wikipedia all of these for WAY more time-wasting information.
David Icke And The Brotherhood
LIZARD PEOPLE! Okay guys, so I’m gonna give you the Heidi Montag cliff notes version of this one. “So like this guy who’s all like a writer or whatever, thinks that there’s a group of alien lizards who totes did it with human people and now there’s a blood line that flows through everyone who’s like influential or whatever.”
Thanks Heidi. So as you can see, Mr. Icke is convinced that everything that happens on Earth is caused by a group of lizard people he calls, the “Global Elite.” The kicker is, they’re not only aliens, but they’re also from another dimension. They’re using global conflict, war, race, and sexual divisions to keep us at odds with each other and destroy the planet.
It’s actually a kind of endearing sentiment if you think about it. David Icke doesn’t believe that we’re different at all, or that we inherently fear or hate each other; he’s convinced that it all comes from conditioning and being born into a world we weren’t meant to be born in. One controlled by lizard people.
The original Banksy, these linoleum plaques started popping up in the streets and sidewalks of various North East cities in the early 80s. They all read some variation of the following… “TOYNBEE IDEA IN KUBRICK’S 2001 RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPITER”
Essentially the idea is a familiar one; people are souls and bodies and one day we’ll be able to catch the souls of the departed and resurrect them on Jupiter. You know, that ol’ familiar saying. Jon Foy just won Best Documentary Direction at Sundance this year for a movie he made about the tiles. The sad part is, they’re almost all gone. They were harmless and fun and creative and will be forever lost under the repaved asphalt of I-95.
This one is more of a legend than a “conspiracy” but it’s such a cool story I couldn’t leave it out. So France has a region called Brittany, ya with me? We’re gonna get a little Game-of-Thronsey here. And Brittany used to be a Celtic duchy (I don’t know either), then it became a few separate kingdoms, one of them was Cornouaille, (it’s cool, no one can pronounce it). Anyway the king of Cornouaillebergtown decided to build a small city that his daughter, Dahut (cause that’s a name), could rule. It was the most beautiful city in the world, Ys.
Here’s the thing though guys, this paradise quickly became a city of sin. Dahut was known to put on these massive orgies, and in the morning, kill all the men she slept with. In America we just call that college, but anyway. Only two people had a key to this city, Dahut and her father. And since it was at sea level the main gate had to stay closed during storms or the city would be destroyed.
One day Dahut started hookin up with this knight dude who was all like super John Hamm hot, and he tricked her into stealing her father’s key for him. Then BOOM, turns out the knight dude was actually the Devil! Holy M. Night Shyamalan! We’re gonna need a bigger Ys! Because then, le Devil proceeded to open up le flood gates and destroyed all of le city. No wonder the French are so creepy…
The White House Putsch
This one apparently isn’t entirely false you guys, it was actually confirmed (sort of) by a congressional committee soon after it happened. I’ll let Heidi explain again. “So like, wait, what’s a Great Depression?” Damnit, Heidi… Basically during the Great Depression a group of millionaires tried to force out FDR and install a fascist leader the same way Italy and Germany did.
See, these were corporate financiers who hated the leftist FDR and his social programs that would shrink their profits. (sound familiar?) The businessmen knew they needed a strong military leader to rally retired and at non-active personnel to their cause. So they went after the ever-popular Major General Smedley Darlington Butler. Good ol’ MG SDG (totally sounds like a beer). The only problem was, Major Butler was a major leftist. He went undercover to learn of the take over plan, then quickly ran off and reported it to his friends in Washington. He testified under oath and no one else involved mentioned it ever again. Although allegedly FOX News called him a pansy.
The New World Order
The sort of “greatest hits” of conspiracy theorists, the New World Order is the name of an organization some believe will take over the world. Observers of this theory believe in everything from Satanic Freemasons to alien cover-ups to a hidden lair underneath the Denver Airport. You know when you hear a cover band and each song they play is just a weird, bastardized version of the original? That’s the New World Order.
One really unsettling belief people who fear the NWO have is the observation of a text entitled, Protocols of the Elders of Zion. This text guides the often-extreme right-wing believers towards fearing that the entire Jewish population is bent on world domination and must be stopped. Hitler speaks openly about studying this text in his own book and Mel Gibson has even brought it up in public (here’s my surprised face -> :/ ). The point is, this group of mostly Christian nut jobs, are WAY scarier than a few AM DJs guessing when the world is gonna end. Oh also they LOVE the friggin lizard people theory.
What conspiracies do you love? Prove to me that Smosh.com isn’t a conspiracy but a real blog with awesome opinionated readers and leave a comment below, or shout at me @danborrelli