Funny Articles

5 Food Mascots That Thankfully Died

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We all need to eat, you guys. But there are people that get very, very, very rich off of telling us exactly WHAT we need to eat and why we need to buy it from THEM and not the OTHER guys. Thus was born a nightmarish breed of characters designed to appeal to our appetites while also causing general mayhem until their untimely demises. Here are five food mascots that have luckily died horrible deaths.

Fruit Brute

food mascots brute

If you’re a fan of Halloween-themed breakfast cereals, you surely know the ghastly trio of Count Chocula, Franken-berry, and Boo Berry. But there are more monstrous members of the General Mills gang! Fruity Yummy Mummy was… well, a mummy that pimped out delicious cereal (look, I didn’t say they were creatively named), whereas Fruit Brute was afflicted with a terrible case of lycanthropy. Oh yeah, and we promoted a cereal containing LIME-FLAVORED marshmallows. And for that, he deserves the silver bullet he got.

The Frito Bandito

food mascots bandito

HOO BOY. Here’s hoping you don’t need a lowly listicle writer to tell you why this one wasn’t a super great idea. God, even down to the awful phoneticization of “kids” as “KEEDS”, a la Eric Cartman channeling Edward James Olmos channeling Jaime Escalante. Look, I’m a classy man. Leave the stereotypes out of it, just give me my daily Frito Pie and we’ll call it even.

Mac Tonight

food mascots mac

Speaking of racial tension, if the big wigs at McDonald’s knew what Mac Tonight was bound for in the year 2018, they probably would’ve pulled the plug a hell of a lot quicker. Let’s also not forget that the song he was blatantly ripping off, “Mack the Knife”, was originally written as what Wikipedia cheerily refers to as a “murder ballad” about a serial killer! BA-DA-BA-BA-BA, I’M HATIN’ IT.

Chockle the Blob

food mascots blob

You know how when you see those Mucinex commercials with those giant booger blobs and instantly want chocolatey cereal? Is that just me? Yes, back in the day, this weird blob thing stood alongside our beloved naval legend Cap’n Crunch, all in the name of promoting the short-lived Choco Crunch. Between his general grossness and his sullying the name of a beloved captain, it’s only proper that Chockle be jettisoned into oblivion.

The Krinkles Clown

food mascots clown

Nahhhhhhh, nah nah nah, I’m all set. Like… look, I get that it was a different era back then. But you can’t tell me that even in the ’60s, people didn’t wet their pants the instant they laid eyes on this bad boy. This doesn’t make me want sugary cereal as much as it makes me want a year’s worth of sugary therapy.

Do you think the Hamburglar got a bad rap? Let me know on Twitter!