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5 Headlines That Would Get the Internet Real Riled Up

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Everyone online is constantly mad, and you don’t have to be spying on people to see it. I wanted to come up with some hypothetical news items that I think would really push people to a 10/10 on the ol’ rage scale, and I think I did a pretty good job. Here they are…

1.

Mario to come out as gay

People were, like deeply wounded when Nintendo announced he was no longer a plumber, so imagine how mad a “certain segment” of the internet would be if “the SJWs got to Mario!” Think of the hundreds of thousands of memes about “soy Mario” that would flood the Facebook walls of our aunts and uncles who had, up until now, not cared about video games at all. Thank you, online culture wars, for finally getting my most annoying relatives to embrace the label “gamer”.

2.

woman will speak line

If you’re like “Hey, he’s making fun of the anti-SJW crowd with the first two entries! That’s not impartial!”, please know that I’m only doing this because I hate the “anti-SJW types” more than maybe any other group online. They are people whose politics go no further than being constantly aggrieved over what they perceive as other people’s (usually totally correct and fair) grievances. Anyway, guys online get so mad when women play characters in comic book movies that aren’t totally useless that sometimes they make up women to use as strawmen in their arguments with other, much more reasonable people online. So, you get the joke here. Next!

3.

beyonce taylor swift worst musicians

Taylor Swift fans are maniacs who lie in wait to defend her if her of cease and desists fail. And while Beyonce is a much more charitable, inspiring person, and is often the victim of seemingly-racially motivated attacks (when Mike Huckabee criticized her and Jay-Z as “bad role models” it was baffling, as they are a loving, monogamous married couple who love making money) she’s still not perfect. But her lack of perfection CAN. NOT. BE. DISCUSSED because the “Bey-hive” (as a hater of both puns, ugh @ that fandom name) is just as ruthless as Taylor Swift’s fans. THEREFORE, this headline would get the internet riled up because the internet loves those two performers. Seems simple enough.

4.

trump says bless you

Lest you think me some partisan madman, I also think it is worth making a joke about the #Resisters who sh*t their pants anytime the names “Trump” and “Putin” appear within 100 words of each other but otherwise show absolutely no interest in even acknowledging the rampant corruption that exists within our government from almost every single elected official.

5.

nyt anything here

Look, if you didn’t get the general idea of where I was going with this comedic hypothetical, it’s that people online will get mad about innocuous stuff. Which means a good button for the whole thing would be a headline that’s just as vague as possible, and I also think the idea of a news site running the headline “Literally Anything Here!” is funny in and of itself, so it feels like a good way to wrap things up.

Online could stand to settle down a bit.

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