6 Bad Valentine’s Day Tips from Movies
At one time or another we’ve all wondered “Why can’t life be like the movies? After all, that would mean I’d be getting paid for starring as myself. Plus, it would almost certainly end on a happy note. And maybe I’d even get to pilot a spaceship.” But when it comes to romance movies, it’s best that when we see the following moves on the screen we never repeat them in real life …
Wait Until the Last Minute
In movies the late, surprising display of love is known by the very romantic term “Act Three.” It’s the whole reason you spent the first 80 minutes watching two people (that you already know are meant to be together because their names appear over the words “Nicholas Sparks” on the poster) do everything possible to screw it up after the happy montage scene at the carnival. But in real life if you wait until the last minute you’ll find that the supposed love of your life has either moved on, put you squarely in the friend zone, or is wondering how you thought crashing a wedding would not end with her brothers and various groomsmen beating the crap out of you.
Tell Someone You Choose Them
Romantic movies often require the main character to choose between two potential partners—one who is clearly their perfect match and one who is so unbelievably unpleasant their last name might as well be “Kittenkicker.” And when the main character finally does make his or her choice, their pick is overjoyed (and the audience is just happy they didn’t pay extra to see the whole fiasco in 3-D). However, if you ever said to someone “I finally decided on you” or “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe…” the response wouldn’t be “Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!” so much as them shoving a foot so far up your ass that when you open your mouth people can read the words “Steve Madden.”
Hire a Violinist for Your Private Dinner
In romantic movies (and even TV shows) there is inevitably the scene where one character surprises the other with a private rooftop dinner, complete with candlelight, chilled champagne, and a personal violinist. Then the two lovers can have a perfect evening as the violin music slowly fades away so you can hear their conversation. But if you hired a violinist he would still be outside with you as an awkward third party, probably listening in on your conversation as he plays, watching as you two make out, and even asking if the two of you are going to finish your dinner now that you’re both half-naked so he can pull up a chair and dig in before the food gets cold.
Pretend to Be Someone You’re Not
In films it is remarkably easy to simply put on a disguise or assume a new identity to get close to the person you long for and want to learn more about. It’s also remarkably easy for you to do that as well, although on this side of the movie screen it goes by such names “catfishing,” “stalking,” “illegally assuming a false identity” or “realizing a fake mustache falls off after minimal sweating.”
Consult a Wacky Friend
Every person in a romantic comedy has a wild best friend who freely gives love advice despite the fact they’ve never had a relationship last longer than a champagne room visit. But that’s okay because apparently the friend’s only job is to listen to the protagonist go on and on and ON about how much they miss/long for/hate but really love the other main character. Try that with your own friend, however, and after about the sixth time you say “How can I get her to notice me without doing something as obvious as asking her out?” your best pal will remove your name from their cell phone, block your messages on Facebook, and probably just start hurling fists every time you show up on the same block as them.
Fall in Love at First Sight
In movies nothing says “true love” like suddenly falling for someone you just saw across the street, on a train, or holding your best friend’s hand. In reality, though, nothing says “between prescriptions,” “clearly raised by wolves” or “looking for people who all wear size 12 so you can stitch together your own human skin costume” like suddenly chasing after someone simply because they looked in your direction when you accidentally dropped all your lithium pills on the subway platform.
What do you for Valentine's Day? And to whom? Let us know in the comments!