6 Best Toy Knockoffs
Knockoff products have always been around, from clothing to electronics to the movie “Oblivion” that the studio is trying to convince you is simply not a live-action “WALL-E.” But nothing quite compares to knockoff toys, some so outright ridiculous that they actually seem like fun…unless you accidentally buy them or ever get them as a gift.
In all honesty, this list could have been all “Transformers” knockoff toys, including such actual products as “SuperRobot: Transformable Thomas” (in which three Thomas the Tank Engine characters join together to form a killing machine), “Road Bots” (in which you actually have to take the robot apart and reassemble it with extra pieces to create a cement mixer), and “Transformer Headmasters” (in which one could only assume they’re all private school principals even though half the members are named “Spike”). But the award for best (by which we mean worst) has to go to “Titanic-Bot,” which allows kids to transform a nautical disaster into an unsatisfying afternoon by turning the doomed cruise ship into a robot with smokestacks that now look like cigarette butts protruding from its chest. But really, what’s a horrible moment in history when you can pretend to fly “Titanic-Bot” around the room, especially when maybe you get to fight a chubby robot that transformed from the Hindenburg.
Sense of Right Alliance
What if the Justice League just accepted the first six people who showed up with resumes (even if one of them was a car) or simply kidnapped random copyrighted characters? Why, then you would have the “Sense of Right Alliance,” the only superhero organization with a name that sounds like heroes only have a vague notion of what is moral. Featuring everybody’s favorite character from “Cars”—the blue one—a Power Ranger, Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, and Shrek if he were actually a warthog spray-painted green, the “Sense of Right Alliance” somehow manages to unite corporate foes DC and Marvel, along with Pixar and DreamWorks, towards a common toy enemy. (A toy enemy that probably operates out of their mom’s basement.) Better yet, the toy’s packaging promises additional members like The Incredibles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and apparently Venom, proving that this Alliance simply does not believe in background checks.
A lot of people would say “Bratz Dolls” are the true “Barbie” knockoff. (Mattel certainly did, repeatedly.) But those people simply don’t have the disturbing amount of free time some of us do to find the truly grade-Z copycats. Which brings us to “Benign Girl,” perhaps the only toy whose name clearly promises it won’t make any waves, impact, or childhood memories whatsoever. But even better, this doll is a prime example of the curious marketing copy that appears on knockoff toy packages. For instance, what does the phrase “Special Styles press any button” mean? That if you push her back she changes clothes, hairstyles, or into a G.I. Joe figure? Why on earth is this “benign” doll battery operated? How does she prove she’s “creative”? Because it’s certainly not coming through in her descriptive powers. And are the “Various Music” mini-CDs that come with the package meant for her to sing along to? Because if this thing suddenly belts out a tune that alone would make “Benign Girl” the most freak-a** frightening toy to ever appear in a dollar store.
Robert Cop 3
The world is full of knockoff toys that try to avoid lawsuits by slightly changing the name of a copyright character, from the actual “Super Bat” to the all-too-real “Spader-Man” to the gotta-have-it “J.I. Force” (a “G.I. Joe” rip-off that’s in reality a “Rambo” action figure with Hulk Hogan’s pants). But none of those have the charm of “Robert Cop 3,” which makes a soulless automaton sound like a your friendly local police officer with whom you could hoist a few beers after his crossing guard shift is over. But the truly interesting thing about “Bob Cop” (as he is known by his friends) is that this is the third one. That means somewhere out there is a “Robert Cop 1” and a “Robert Cop 2,” resulting in this most likable robot assassin trilogy until R2-D2 picks up a phaser and bounty hunter license in the upcoming stand-alone “Star Wars” films.
Perhaps the only thing that could end the extremely disturbing “bronies” phenomenon would be this, a toy that features countless illegal images from “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic” surrounding what looks to be a very waxy-looking horse carved from either fancy soap or uncooked pork. The real question, though, is what makes this particular pony so “funny”? Is it because the pink unicorn horn is supposed to remind you of something naughty? When you take it out of the box only then do you realize the pony is an insult comic? Or is the joke that the packaging confused your poor grandmother and so you got this for your birthday instead, along with a “Taking Elmo” that’s actually a red fuzzy doll that grabs your belongings and then runs off with them.
Star Wars Super Bricks
And so we come to a toy so ballsy, so high on the chutzpah scale, that it tries to cram as many impending lawsuits as possible into a single box cover illustration. Let’s start with the red “Brick” logo, which looks exactly like the “Lego” logo if that company decided to be completely literal. Then there’s the use of the name “Star Wars” despite the absence of anything even remotely “Star Wars.” (Unless that round thing at the bottom is meant to be the Death Star as portrayed by a Cocoa Puff.) Then we have the aliens, which resemble stoned crickets riding 38 building pieces so crappy that they make “Mega Bloks” look like gold ingots. And last but certainly not least is the appearance of the enemy—attacking Starship Enterprises, obviously from an alternate universe in which the Federation’s motto is “F*** It.” Put it all together and you have what is essentially a masterpiece of playtime fraud, so ugly yet beautiful that one can only hope the people of “Brick” put out a “Hogwarts Super Bricks Series”
complete with 12 pieces and scenes from “Sabrina the Teenage Witch,” “Disney’s Haunted Mansion,” and wave after wave of bloodthirsty Hobbits.
And One Extra Knockoff Because Words Would Fail to Capture This…
Which one is your favorite knock-off? Let us know in the comments!