6 Desperate Techniques To Finding A Summer Job
It’s that time of year again, when you realize everyone but you has already lined up a summer job, a summer romance, and a summer tan. (We’re assuming you’ve really let things slide here.) But have no fear, it’s still not too late to make just enough money to pay for the gas to get to your job. All you have to do is be willing to step out of your comfort zone and take the first step with the following desperate employment moves…
Be extremely excited during job interviews
There will be a lot of people vying for very few jobs this summer, so now is not the time to play it cool. Never say, “Working for your company would be like the twelfth best thing that could happen to me.” Instead, when they mention your half hour for lunch exclaim, “Holy s***! I get to eat?! Awesome!” When they ask why you want to work for them simply gesture around their office and say with a giant grin, “Hello! Where else can I spend my entire summer surrounded by all this…what is this, anyway? Discount pool supplies and off-season Christmas decorations? This is heaven!” When they remark that you’ll have to work weekdays as well as weekends just happily respond, “No matter! My girlfriend/boyfriend just dumped me so now I can spend the entire summer staring dead-eyes and hopeless into a fry vat!” As long as you show you’ll take whatever crap they give you and call it ice cream, you may just find yourself helming the prestigious 10:00 pm to 4 am shift yet.
Always look your best no matter how crappy the potential job
Whether you’re applying to be the guy who has to convince moms at the local amusement park their child could not be safer on the zipper ride attached to a flatbed by a lone screw even as the truck remains idling in case the cops show up, or to be the person dressed as a giant chicken tender handing out leaflets proclaiming they’re like the bigger brother of Chicken McNuggets in that they are indeed bigger and the meat used is much older, you still need to dress to impress at the job interview. But buying a new suit can be an expensive endeavor. So that’s why you should take a cue from NASCAR drivers and help defray the cost by plastering countless sponsor logo patches on your blazer, pants, tie, and shoes. This will not show managers that you’re indeed a company man but maybe they’ll also believe you were running late for the interview because you took a turn at 180 mph and flipped 42 times before landing in their parking lot.
Build buzz about yourself by constantly shouting your name in public
It’s hard to get a job when you don’t have any business contacts or true networking skills. That’s why you have to get the word out about your resume and job objective whenever and wherever possible. Start yelling out your qualifications every time you’re waiting on a long line at Starbucks. Keep listing your job requirements while playing “Call of Duty: Black Ops II” on Xbox Live as nine-year-olds repeatedly scream back that they’re not currently hiring. Give the finger to the car next to you at the stop light so that when they lower their window to curse you out you can quickly launch into how good you are at Excel and what a great asset you would be to whatever they do for a living. Just keep talking, keep bragging, and keep lowering your salary requirement until some says “Shut up already, take this apron, and man the back grill!!!” After all, when it come to self-promotion, there’s no such thing as bad press, just the occasional sock in the jaw.
Determine how much weight you can lift and then try to double it by summer
People like to think that summer jobs are either an easy way to make a little extra cash, a chance to make friends with other students or 40-year-old ex-cons who keep screaming “I’m not on meth!” even when alone, or maybe even as an internship to the possible career of your choice. But the hard truth is most summer jobs involve picking up something heavy and putting it down somewhere else. In other words, all your academic accomplishments won’t mean a thing if you don’t have the brute strength and your own back support belt to get the job done. That’s why the moment you show up for your job interview you have to immediately lift up the manager and hold him aloft for ten seconds, no matter if your knees start to give, your spine starts to telescope, or the manager starts calling for the police. Then slowly lower—don’t drop!—the manager and calmly state that you’ll see them on the warehouse floor, high-fiving his or her startled assistant on your way out.
Stand out from the crowd
Remember, you’re not the only student looking for a job this summer. (Unless when you’re reading this you’re the only person left on earth after a mid-May alien invasion, in which case best to use your now copious free time making friends out of store mannequins and crash test dummies instead.) So you have to do everything possible to stand out from the crowd by doing something that will make employers exclaim, “Now they’re unique!” “Now they’re a real go-getter!” or “Now there’s someone who looks severely under-medicated and so should not be antagonized any further by me refusing to give them a job!” So wear a giant headpiece that lets interviewers recall the fun, crazy sights they saw at the Mardi Gras parade or when their fever hit 104 degrees. Make bold pronouncements that sound either like grand visions for their company’s future or the villain monologue from any James Bond film. The more willing you are to do something different, something attention-getting, the more likely you will find yourself with a summer job or a fall semester at a special, private school that seems to consist of window bars and burly medical staff.
If you can’t find a job then make your own using things lying around the house
Sometimes you just can’t find a summer job, maybe because no one is hiring, you started your job search too late, or when interviewers asked where you see yourself in five years you kept responding, “In your chair, wearing your clothes, sleeping with your wife.” And that’s when you have to make your own summer job using anything you can find in your parent’s house. Just grab their Country Time mix, remove a few of their shingles for wood, and build yo
urself a lemonade stand that will have all the neighborhood parents saying, “I knew ever since he was little there was something frighteningly wrong about him.” Or build your own your amusement park in the backyard that consists entirely of your old swing set and a $45 day pass. Anything that will have people going, “So I take it he ‘s not getting into college on academic scholarship, is he?”
Which one was your favorite? Let me know in the comments!