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6 Great Places To Hook Up That Are Actually Terrible Places To Hook Up

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Thinking about a romantic encounter on an airplane, on a beach, or in a Jacuzzi? Well, think again. And then wash your hands. We’re exploring places that everyone thinks would be awesome to hook up in or at, but are in actuality are far from it.

1. Airplane Bathroom

Every idiot in the world who has ever flown on an airplane has had romantic fantasies about sneaking into the bathroom with someone hot. Really? It’s your dream to hook up while standing up in a 1½ by 2¾ foot space mere feet away from families and children traveling across the country to visit loved ones all while you're inhaling the foul aroma of raw sewage? If so, the airplane bathroom is the place for you.

2. The Beach

In movies, TV shows, and books people are always getting down on the beach. It looks great on film and seems romantic in theory – if you’ve never been intimate with someone nor been to a beach. Remember the last time you went to the beach and after you came home how sand was everywhere – in your ears, between your toes, in your butt crack? Do you really want all that sand on you or you partner and all your personal parts? Ouch! I didn’t think so.

3. On A Bearskin Rug

What if you were walking through the woods one day, peaceably eating honey and getting ready to hibernate for the winter, and all of a sudden some hillbilly with a high-powered rifle shot you in the head a couple times for no good reason? And then to add insult to injury he stripped off all of your flesh, tanned it and then sold it to Yuppies so they could down a bottle of cabernet and cuddle on what was left of your body and face in front of a roaring (like your tormented soul) fire? Sounds like an exciting sexy time doesn’t it? No, it doesn’t. Don’t hook up with people on top of dead things. It’s gross.

4. Department Store Dressing Room

Don’t hook up in department store dressing rooms. The people working at these places aren’t getting paid enough not to film you on their cell phones, and upload the footage onto the Internet. And if they ever did, you would totally deserve it.

5. Workout Room At The Gym

Really? Yeah, because when I think of sexy locales, I totally picture a place with rubber flooring and a lot of dirty mirrors where dozens of roided-out narcissists grunt and sweat all over 10 or 12 (and sometimes 24) hours a day. Couple that with the fact that you’d probably be pressed up against some medieval contraption that could just as easily rip one of your legs off, as give you proper lumbar support, and I’ll definitely say that I have to pass on this one.

6. Jacuzzi

Hot water jets, bubbles, a name that’s sounds fun and exotic coming off of the lips. Who doesn’t love a jacuzzi? The answer is no one. Everyone likes going into jacuzzis, especially little kids and old people. And what do they do once they’re in one? They pee. They pee a lot. If you are ever fortunate enough to hook up in a jacuzzi you should be extra proud of yourself. Not because you coaxed them into going along with your amorous request, but rather because you’ve basically talked them into climbing into a giant petri dish filled of boiling prepubescent/geriatric urine and weird chemicals that turn human hair green. Way to go!

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