Funny Articles

The 6 Most Disturbingly Jacked Old Men

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As a man, I am frequently embarrassed by the things for men. The way products are marketed to us, the people that get tossed on TV to represent us… those men are not great, folks. In fact, it’s so bad it’s broken a lot of our brains! For example, old guys have suddenly decided they have to be incredibly jacked, and they actually don’t. Look how weird these guys look…

Vince McMahon

I know that of all of the terrible qualities that Vince McMahon has, the one we should be focusing on is not “He has too many muscles that are also way too big,” but they’re just… incredibly distracting. Like, how much does it cost to get a suit tailored to have sleeves that wide?! And that waddle as he walks to the ring makes it clear that his body is simply not supposed to be that big.

JK Simmons

I guess JK Simmons originally got jacked for the film Whiplash, and he won an Oscar for that performance, so hey, it didn’t hurt. But he couldn’t stop there. No, Simmons had to keep going until he finally got to the point that we saw him in pre-Justice League: so, so ripped. Like… why? He’s playing Commissioner Gordon, a character who — unless I missed an important story arc — is not famous for being upsettingly muscular.

Bruce Greenwood

jacked bruce greenwood

The movie Gerald’s Game is a great example of Netflix doing things right. They made the type of small film that never gets released in theaters anymore, and it was entirely successful. However… what’s up with Bruce Greenwood? That guy is like 60, and while he lacks the extreme mass of some of the other guys on this list, he’s unbelievably cut. How is it possible to be 60 and just not have fat on your body? Old bodies have fat on them! WHAT IS THIS TRICKERY?!

Sylvester Stallone

Sylvester stallone jacked

As the king of the incredibly jacked old guys, it was a huge disappointment when Sylvester Stallone was busted with HGH. But at least now we know how he’s pulling it off. He let himself look old as hell in Creed, and then BOOM! It was back to being ripped. Just enjoy your life, man!

Mickey Rourke

Mickey Rourke. Skeeves. Me. Out. Just look at this guy — he’s like a busted-ass Johnny Depp, a man who is himself at least moderately busted.

All of those professional old men fitness YouTube guys

old youtube guy

Maybe I only get these because of that one time I watched an instructional fitness video (ab wheels are confusing, okay?!), but there are so many ripped old fitness guys hawking their programs and supplements, and it’s a bummer because their big selling point is always “I’m 60, and I get hot 20 year olds like this!” gestures to hot babes . Like, buddy, you’re 60. You’ve had 60 years of sadly trying to prove something to yourself by sleeping with women who will absolutely bitch about you to their therapist in 10 years. Just let it go!

When I’m old. I’m going to get so insanely fat I will black out the sun.