Funny Articles

6 Reality-Based Super Mario Games

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We’ve all enjoyed watching Super Mario launch into space, drive across hot lava, and get blindingly drunk at Diddy Kong’s bar mitzvah. But now comes a whole new set of games that lets Mario experience the very same adventures people do every day of their lives.


“Super Mario Nervously Awaits His Lab Results”


A freaked-out Super Mario paces back and forth on the same single screen for three straight days as he anxiously awaits word from his doctor. All the while Mario keeps asking, “It’s just a bump, right? Not every bump is a tumor, right? Maybe it’ juts an overactive pimple, right? Oh God, it is a tumor, isn’t it?” to every single character he comes across until they all just leave the game.


“Super Mario Visits His Folks”


Always the good son, Super Mario visits his folks for the weekend only to have each parent pull him aside and complain constantly about the other one. Then Mario finds out his old room has been converted into “Cat Country” for the folks’ new pet as he watches his mom and dad fall sound asleep in front of a detective show before 8:30 pm.


“Super Mario Has Only $20 in His Bank Account”


With his account almost empty and no new floating coin boxes arriving until the first of the month, a broke Super Mario must turn down all social engagements, keep visiting Costco for free food samples, try to type as many emails and texts as possible before his internet and phone service are cut off, and wonder if he could make his last few dollars last longer if he just slept through the week.


“Super Mario Worries He’s Going to Die Alone”


Sure, he’s been linked with Pauline and Princess Peach (not to mention Ms. Pac-Man in that cancelled crossover game). But none of those have resulted in lasting, loving relationships. And so in hopes of finding “the one” a thirtysomething Mario enrolls in every cooking class possible, asks Bowser if he’s got an available non-evil sister, fills out the eHarmony compatibility questionnaire six different ways under numerous names to increase his dating pool, and strolls into bars at 2 am to hit on whoever is still alone.


“Super Mario Gets Stuck Behind the Most Annoying Person in the World on the Supermarket Checkout Line”

Hoping just to buy groceries and go home, Super Mario winds up in the only available checkout line behind someone who won’t stop complaining out loud about how the service stinks, how they have better things to do with their time, how everyone on line smells funny, and how much they want to tell off the manager, the governor, and the president. All the while Mario smashes the top of his head against a floating brick box hoping for the sweet release of death.


“Super Mario and Luigi Can’t Remember Why They’re Arguing but Damn It if Either One Is Going to Be the First to Apologize”

The game starts with the brothers on opposite ends of the screen, screaming at each over cell phones. As attacks like “You know what you did!” “Don’t act like you don’t know what you did!” and “I can’t believe that you thought that I would forget what you did!” fill the air, both Mario and Luigi desperately try to recall exactly what happened just in case they really are to blame. The game ends longs after both are dead.

Would you play these games? Let us know in the comments!

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