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6 Reasons The Puppy Bowl Is Better Than The Super Bowl

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Originally created by the Animal Planet channel as counter-programming to the actual Super Bowl, the Puppy Bowl now attracts million of viewers who would rather watch doggies happily pretend to play football in a model stadium than see some guys try to play football over the course of what seems like 12 hours and six thousand Budweiser commercials. But why do these viewers prefer the Puppy Bowl to the real thing? Because they know the following facts…


Puppy Bowl Players Don’t Have Drug Charges, Sex Scandals or Reality TV Show Marriages


When you make a ridiculous amount of money and are given an insane amount of leeway, you tend to have the inclination—and the means—to do some exceedingly stupid things. Hence why some football players set up drug-deal operations, engage in sexting, and marry Kendra. The Puppy Bowl players, on the other hand, avoid all this nonsense simply by getting high only on play time, having absolutely no cell phone service whatsoever, and getting fixed.


Puppy Bowl Game Play Makes Australian Rules Football Look like a Chess Match


Aside from getting a good deal on a huge flatscreen TV or two large pizzas, there’s usually little to cheer about come Super Bowl Sunday. That’s because with few exceptions the games are boring blowouts interrupted every five minutes by a reminder that Doritos now come in spicy flavors. But with the Puppy Bowl the sheer absence of any discernible rules, specific teams to root for or any indication that the players even know what the hell they are doing results in constantly frenetic game day action that has viewers jumping off their couch screaming, “THE FUZZY CHEW TOY IS OVER THERE! OVER THERE! DAMN IT! THE YORKIE GOT IT!!!”


No Puppy Bowl Touchdowns Means No Touchdown Celebrations


Because there’s no real point system, the players don’t really care if they score a touchdown. Instead, they spend most of the game running around in tight circles, being fascinated with each other’s butts, falling into the water dish, and pawing at the painted fans on the walls. Thankfully, this means viewers don’t have to endure watching a Beagle spike a sock into the ground and swivel his hips for tens minutes, a Samoyed try to bring back break dancing or a Puggle get down on one knee and thank the heavens he didn’t accidentally swallow that rubber newspaper.


Puppy Bowl Halftime Celebrations Will Never Feature the Black Eyed Peas


The number of truly entertaining Super Bowl halftime shows can be counted on one hand that has seen more than its fair share of bandsaw accidents. The musical performers either lip sync poorly, make you wish they were lip syncing instead or—in the case of last year’s Black Eyed Peas performance—make you pray for a very localized earthquake to swallow the stage whole. But the Puppy Bowl avoids all this ear-splitting, wrist-cutting entertainment by just filling the field with more adorable kittens than the Internet. And so we get a halftime show that promises nothing more than cuteness, cuddliness and the occasional cat constantly darting back and forth for no real reason.


Puppy Bowl is Never Overhyped to the Point of Mass Evacuations from the United States


It is currently impossible to walk into a supermarket, turn on the TV or open up a newspaper without being reminded of the Super Bowl. It’s at the point now that one might believe the game has actually been playing for the last two weeks but they only start counting touchdowns this Sunday. The upside to this relentless media hype is that if you were suddenly to suffer a severe head trauma and be unable to recall anything for more than five minutes, you still couldn’t forget about the game. The downside is that the only way to avoid hearing about it is through death or rocket escape. With the Puppy Bowl, though, no one spends days talking about the over-the-top ads or the possible ratings or sometimes even about the sport. They just quietly wonder if that Golden Retriever has outgrown the tiny stadium this year.


The Puppy Bowl Isn’t Just about Making Money. It’s about Finding Homes.


All the game play and the hype aside, in the end what the Super Bowl is truly about is making money for the players, the team owners, the network, the sponsors, and that large guy with the prison tattoos who handled your bet in the bar. But the Puppy Bowl is about finding homes for the animals you see on the field that day, all of whom are currently in rescue shelters and looking for someone to love them, take care of them, and constantly remind them that they are hands down the most valuable player.


What would you do if you were a supervillian who had puppies for hands? Let us know in the comments!


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