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6 Things I Learned From Watching Ancient Aliens

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Where did mankind come from and how did we get so far? For an answer to that age-old question some have looked to evolution and science, others have looked to the Bible and some are looking to “Ancient Aliens,” a TV series on the History Channel that’s like a “documentary” without the need for documentary research, a documentary crew or anything but the quotation marks around the word “documentary.”

But can “Ancient Aliens” really provide an answer to mankind’s origins and development? Short answer, “No.” Long answer, “Of course not.” But that doesn’t mean you can’t pick up some very crucial knowledge while watching the series. In fact, here are six important lessons I learned while watching “Ancient Aliens” far more often than anyone should ever admit in public.


Ancient Civilizations Did Nothing for Ancient Civilizations


According to “Ancient Aliens,” everything from the Sphinx to Stonehenge to the fact people stopped stabbing each other with pointy sticks to hear “ouchy” noises is not the result of any human civilization but rather intergalactic beings. It was these very ancient astronauts who—whether out of strategic planning, selfless charity, outright boredom or a need to create the premise for “Battlestar Galactica”—visited earth, saw we were still trying to make portable fire by igniting our own hands, let out a heavy sigh and then told mankind, “For starters, when building a large stone pyramid make sure the pointy part goes on top.”


If You Say Something Out Loud Then It’s Fact


When it comes to “Ancient Aliens,” the scientific method is a long, tedious process that can easily be streamlined by simply beginning and ending with the conclusion. Hence an opening title sequence doesn’t flash the question “Did ancient aliens actually visit?” but rather “Why did they come?” and “What did they leave behind?” That’s also why statements on the show like “Aliens crossbred with humans,” “If it weren’t for space visitors we wouldn’t have the color green” and “The earth is currently inside a mason jar on a librarian’s shelf in Alpha Centauri” are not met with such remarks as “And we know this how?” or “Seriously, what the f***?” but rather the show’s executive producer slamming his fist on his desk, yelling, “Done! Science!” and then devoting an hour to exploring Incan-Venutian bar mitzvahs.


Every Structure Was a Spaceship Landing Pad


If it had stairs, a flat surface or was slightly taller and wider than a sundial, “Ancient Aliens” knows it was a landing pad for intergalactic travelers. That means every surrounding structure historians initially presumed were homes, temples or a random pile of bricks were in fact places one would expect to find in an airport, including ancient Cinnabon stands, magazine/neck pillow kiosks, the first Brookstone store and a place to pay $14 for a croissant.


The Word “Expert” Means “Guy Currently on Camera”


To bolster its claim that ancient astronauts visited, colonized and/or tagged earth, the show features a panel of experts one can only amass by placing a “Help Wanted” sign outside a methadone clinic that reads “Will pay you in craft service food.” The result is a collection of pundits and specialists with such professional titles as “UFOlogist,” “Alternate History Writer” and “Unemployed Plumber/Talker.” But of course, no one stands out from this esteemed crowd like “Legendary Times Magazine” publisher and living Internet meme Giorgio A. Tsoukalos. With an accent that indicates Switzerland has it’s own Brooklyn, a hairstyle that can only be the result of Gorilla Glue and witnessing a visiting alien or oncoming semi, and a tan that proves he was either flash-fried by mothership lights or V8 now has its own line of skincare products, Mr. Tsoukalos is proof that if you believe in yourself—and get a cable channel to believe in you—you can end up on TV actually saying, “The only way the ancient astronaut theory can be disproved is when the extraterrestrials show up and say, ‘We were never here.’”


The History Channel Forgot Its Own Name


In the beginning the History Channel consisted almost entirely of World War II footage and Time-Life ads for World War II books and VHS tapes. But then the channel wished to expand its audience beyond viewers who still had post-traumatic flashbacks to the Normandy Invasion and wondered when the hell women were allowed to start wearing pants. And so the network slowly modernized, going from covering WWII to the Korean War to the Vietnam War to Star Wars Tech, until it gave up any legitimate right to call itself “History” and started showing “Pawn Stars,” “Cajun Pawn Stars” and “Ancient Aliens,” who opened up a pawn shop selling giant heads on Easter Island.


We May Never Know. But Oh, We Know.


Much as we can’t travel back in time and prove to naysayers that President Kennedy was killed by a lone gunman or that NBC’s airing of “Whitney” was the result of a horrible, horrible blackmail scheme for which all of humanity must now pay, we can’t go back and prove that ancient aliens arrived on earth. Of course, that also means we can’t travel back in time and disprove that ancient aliens were here. In fact, the lack of hard evidence may very well be the show’s best evidence of all. Which means rather than ever having to admit “We got nothing” the series can simply say, “Just give us another ten seasons to ask the same six questions.”


What do you want to learn from aliens? Let us know in the comments!


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