6 Things We Didn’t Have Last Year That We Can Do Without Next Year
The end of the year is the perfect time to look back at what we’ve accomplished, where we are going, and when can we finally say goodbye to all that annoyed us over the past 12 months…
Riding an Invisible Horse
Had this list been made six months ago the song we would all be saying we’ve had enough of was “Call Me Maybe.” But while that tune spawned several fan viral videos, “Gangnam Style” and its ridiculous dance was an outright contagion outbreak. Had this been a movie, the quick spreading of its popularity would have been shown as a rapidly expanding black mass across a science lab computer simulation of the world’s surface. Was the song catchy? Yes. Was the dance fun? Yes. Did it increase the chances of seeing your own grandma pretending to twirl a lasso while saying, “Look, Dear! I’m doing Gangland Style!” Oh dear God, yes. And that is why it must end.
Incomprehensible TV Reality Stars
It was bad enough that Honey Boo Boo and her one-more-cookie-away-from-losing-a-limb mom had to introduce humanity to such phrases as “Go Go Juice,” “forklift foot,” and, um, “neck crust.” But then the two had to be subtitled even when they were speaking English, whether because their backwoods accents were thicker than a third chin or simply because their verbal exchanges were so odd they sounded like selections from the Who toy catalogue in “The Grinch”—“finagly,” “seximous,” “sketti” and a serious of other made-up words that cause viewers to laugh at the family and weep for humanity at the same time.
Movies Based on Toys You Forgot You Once Played
“Battleship” was only supposed to be the start. Toymaker Hasbro was ben planning a whole series of movies based on the very games you played for a little while before you and your friend got into an argument or realized it had stopped raining outside. These included “Candy Land” (which was being envisioned as a sort of “Lord of the Rings” but with more of a focus on gumdrops), “Monopoly” (which probably would have consisted of watching a family fall apart over seven hours and 42 screaming matches), and, yes, “Hungry Hungry Hippos” (which would show why a large mammal cannot actually live on a diet of marbles). Fortunately, “Battleship” did a fast fade at the box office, otherwise we would all now be hearing who will play what ingredient in “Easy Bake Oven: The Trilogy.”
Mommy’s Naughty Book
Most people don’t want to think about what our parents had to do to make us. But nobody wants to know exactly what our parents used—or what knots and chains they later had to untangle—to get in the mood to do that in the first place. But thanks to the incredible success of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” books, we all know sex fetishes are no longer just for damaged people attending rubbing parties dressed as rabbits. Instead, because of the paperbacks we can now connect such words as ”handcuffs,” “bondage,” and “safety word” to “the person who just kissed away our boo-boo and then drove us to soccer practice.” Yes, we all knew our parents have sex—maybe not for quite some time but at some point—but now we can’t unlearn the fact that there might have been a leash, leather, or many, many batteries involved.
Paying Money to See a Hologram Perform
At first it was an interesting concept—the hologram of late rapper Tupac Shakur performing alongside Snoop Dogg and Dr, Dre at the 2012 Coachella Music Festival. Then there was word the three would go on tour, if only because that would involve just two tour buses. And then the remaining members of TLC said they wanted to tour with the hologram of deceased “Left Eye” Lopes. Then someone started working on Elvis and even Marilyn Monroe hologram concerts in the belief that aged fans of the two would even understand what the hell was going on. Then it seemed like soon all the dead would walk among us, not feasting on our brains but asking for $120 per ticket plus the usual Ticketmaster 7000% mark-up.
Sh*t Someone, Anyone, Is Saying
Girls, guys, gays, straights, hipsters, cyclists, vegans, yoga instructors, teachers, mothers, wookies…cats. We get it. Everyone says something stupid at some point. What started in 2011 as a funny video led to other funny videos in 2012…and then just more videos…and then the realization that maybe none of us should ever utter another word again.
What thing from this year do you think will be gone next year? Let us know in the comments!