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6 Worst Ways to Break Up with Someone

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Breaking up with someone is like trying to diffuse a bomb. With your teeth. It requires a lot of careful finesse only for it to blow up in your face anyway. Of course, you can always make the explosive fallout that much worse by trying to breakup with one of the following tactics…


At a Friend’s Party


There’s something horribly awkward (and appallingly fascinating) about seeing a couple breaking up in public, to the point that even the birds will stop what they’re doing and mutter, “Damn.” Now imagine doing the exact same thing surrounded by a bunch of people you know, all with disapproving gazes and mouths full of cheese cubes and Yellow Tail shiraz. Within minutes everyone is trying to stop the breakup, angrily taking sides or yelling at you for bringing some cheap-a** cheese cubes when you promised you’d cook something for the party instead.


Where You First Met


Unless you have a sick fascination with things coming full circle, breaking up with someone exactly where you two first met is like returning to the scene of the crime to examine how the “love bullet” first pierced their heart lo those many months/years ago, only for it to ricochet around their body and ultimately destroy all their internal organs. Then afterwards you get to analyze how it turned into a double homicide when you suggested you split the bill.


While Vacationing with Their Parents


A breakup doesn’t just simply end with the breakup. It’s followed by anger, regret, recrimination, all of which are magnified a thousand-fold when expressed by someone’s father as they hurl your suitcase into the hotel swimming pool, often while you’re still clutching it. That’s because parents are likely to be quite protective—and proactive—when someone makes their child cry, especially when that someone hasn’t paid their way all week. In short, the rule is if three people all share a different last name than you they’re probably less likely to be on your side when it all ends.


From a New Home in a Different City


Giving up the life you knew and the friends you had to avoid a face-to-face confrontation isn’t just extreme. It’s the start of a pattern of relationships in which you constantly avoid having “the talk,” moving to more and more desolate places, getting worse and worse jobs because your resume says you won’t stay with a company for more than six weeks, until eventually you’re stuck on an ice floe trying to make money selling decorative snowballs through your Etsy store and wondering why the cute polar bears won’t give you the time of day.


Not Saying a Thing


Some people think that if they stop calling, stop trying to make plans, the other person will eventually get the hint and move on. Instead, any relationship questions that person would have asked you had you just picked up the phone now start to appear as Facebook posts on your wall. Followed by Facebook status updates on their wall. Followed by a series of comments in which their friends get angrier and angrier at you until you’ve inadvertently crowdsourced your own online death sentence.


While Running Late for Another Date


When you get right down to it, you want to keep the breakup talk brief. The longer you drag it out the more people are going to get hurt and the angrier the responses will be. That said, you do owe the other person some sort of an explanation. So saying, “I’d love to talk more about how much I no longer love you but my date and I have had these dinner reservations for two months now” is not the best way to wrap things up.


What are some other horrible ways to break up with someone? Let us know in the comments!


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