Funny Articles

63-Year-Old Engineer Claims To Be Japan’s LAST real Ninja?

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You know how when you become the head of the Ban clan, an ancient order of ninjas, and you don’t take on any apprentices, and every one of your mentors and peers die, presumably from accidentally alerting guards or getting into arbitrary fights with pirates, and all of a sudden you realize one day that YOU are the very last ninja? That’s how Jinichi Kawakami, the very last ninja, feels every day.

last ninja
“We’ve all been there!” says Kawakami, literally the only guy whos ever been there.

Kawakami started ninjitsu training at the age of six. His training included the study of weapons, human psycology, and smoke pellets, but he also honed his concentration by staring at candles and his hearing by listening for a pin to drop. But we can’t verify it! Ninjas are so secretive that everything they write down is INTENTIONALLY vague. What are we supposed to do, get him to prove it by poising us?

You know what they say. The proof is in the pudding graves of those who asked for proof.

Kawakami is going to be the final head of the Ban clan because he doesn’t believe ninjas “fit in the modern day”. To which I say, “Right, and those old giant tortises do?”

giant tortise
But we work to keep them from going extinct because they’re COOL.

So, basically, god damn it. We’ve already lost samurais and we’re on the verge of losing cigar-smoking newspapermen and World War 2 veterans. If ninjas go away, we’re not going to have ANY mythological groups of strong, exaggerated MEN left at all!

Don’t go anywhere, lumberjacks. You’re our only hope.

Do you think ninjas still have a place in our world? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


Check out What To Do With Your Action Figures After You Grow Up!