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7 Children’s Books We Maybe Could Use

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Kids books can already be so insane that it seems redundant to just make up some more of them, but I really think there are important children’s book demographics that just aren’t being served. And so, I came up with some children’s books today’s kids really need. YOU’RE WELCOME!

“Maybe You Kind of Deserve to be Bullied”

Not only can kids have the kinds of interests that they should maybe be given an extra bit of discouragement about (did you know a kid growing up who only talked about murders? I bet you did!) but also sometimes they get bullied because they themselves are a huge jerk. “Maybe You Kind of Deserve to be Bullied” is a gentle reminder that sometimes you can take cues about whether or not your own behavior is okay by how other people react to it.

“Don’t Tell Your Sibling, but We Love You More”

Sometimes, one of your children needs an extra pick me up. Maybe their younger sibling had already shown themselves to be just generally more talented, or their older sibling has established such a track record of excellence that it feels impossible to meet. “Don’t Tell Your Sibling, but We Love You More” will put a smug, deceitful grin on any child’s face. And since you don’t want your other child, or children, to find out about the book (which may be a huge lie, anyway) each page is coated in a special chemical treatment that interacts with the natural oils in human skin, leading to the book dissolving after about thirty minutes.

“Everybody Poops, But That Doesn’t Mean it’s Not Still Disgusting”

“Everybody Poops, But That Doesn’t Mean it’s Not Still Disgusting” is all about adding a little discouragement to any children who might be a little too… excited about potty training.

“Your Father’s Darkest Desires Are Scarier Than Any Monster Under Your Bed”

If you’d like a little distance between you and your child when they finally go to college, “Your Father’s Darkest Desires Are Scarier Than Any Monster Under Your Bed” puts the idea that your kid should get far away from their dad into their brain nice and early.

“They’re Distracting You With Screens Until They Can Charge You Rent”

The only book on the list not geared towards parents, “They’re Distracting You With Screens Until They Can Charge You Rent” is a bold warning to children about the state of technology as it relates to our rapidly diminishing ability to relate to one another on a deeply human level. With illustrations by the Unabomber.

“Voting Matters (If You Live in One of Seven States)”

“Voting Matters (If You Live in One of Seven States)” instills in your child a sense of the importance of voting, unless they happen to live outside of one of America’s seven swing States. Yes, gather round children, and hear the take of the American voting system: why does every state have different voting laws? What is the “electoral college”? Why is gerrymandering allowed? What even is “gerrymandering”??? Who knows! So come and bask in the glory of a system specifically designed to disenfranchise huge swaths of the citizenry, and don’t forget to skip the midterm elections; the book doesn’t even cover those!

“Just Let Your Parents Have Sex For Once”

“Just Let Your Parents Have Sex For Once” isn’t a sex education book; far from it. It’s mainly a series of traps and puzzles and distractions (even the cover is hard to open!) designed specifically to preoccupy a child with just enough frustration that they leave mom and dad alone for roughly 20 minutes of “hot action”. If Mom and Dad need more time than that, 1. Quit bragging, and 2. You have to shell out an extra five bucks for the deluxe addition.

I’d write these books myself, but I’m functionally illiterate.

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