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7 Reasons Why 2018 Is Already Trash

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It’s now been about three weeks since we celebrated the dawning of the new year, and boy, things are already looking like ass. Our resolutions are flying out the window, and with them any hope that 2018 won’t be absolute trash. Here are some worrying signs I’ve already noticed…

It’s cold

It’s cold… like my job prospects!!!! But seriously folks, it is incredibly cold outside right now. There are massive storms and cold waves all across the eastern United States, and it is *checks scientific journal* “hell on Earth”. What kind of a way to start fresh is that, while you’re freezing to death in your car that won’t start because the extremely low temperatures nuked its battery?

You’re hungover

The degree to which people get absolutely blasted on New Year’s Eve is madness to me (EDITOR’S NOTE: I have been with Will on at least one New Year’s Eve when he got “absolutely blasted”) because who wants to start their year that way?! The new year should be rung in with maybe one or two drinks, and a nice cup of tea, then promptly going to bed at 12:05. You know what night is good for treating your body like garbage? Valentine’s day! It’s in the middle of February, America’s dullest month (“black history” for some reason doesn’t translate into a bunch of holidays) and also people are sad and desperate, so it’s the perfect night for us to all drink too much and wildly lower our standards for what we consider “real human intimacy”!

“18” is such a nothing number

“2018”. Who cares? This is the United States, we’re all about 10s and, occasionally, 5s! 16 is interesting because you’re a year removed from a half-milestone, 17 is halfway to next one, and 19 is one year away from the next one! But 18? Kiss my ass, 18.

Paddingotn 2 underperformed at the box office

That new Jumanji is going to make like $400 million dollars, meanwhile the unequaled majesty of Paddington 2, the second chapter in the tale of the most British bear on Earth and his equally British family, will be lucky to hit 50 million. This bodes poorly for the new year, and you all make me sick.

All of the nuclear tension in the air

Do you know what no one who lived through the cold war says? “Boy, I sure do miss being constantly afraid of dying in nuclear flames.” Well, too bad, because that fear is back, baby! But hey, at least the two nations stoking those concerns are 1.) A horrific totalitarian regime, run by the third generation failson who actually, if we’re being fair, seems less monomaniacal than his father, and 2.) The country that is the most quick to wade into combat without thinking of the consequences because, hey, it’s just poor/ foreign people who will end up dying because of it!

Still working through all of that sexual trauma we’ve been building up as a culture

I’m not sure this Band Aid could be pulled off any more quickly, but the ongoing reveals of the past sexual crimes of many famous (as well as not famous) Americans, and the proper way to both talk about and dole out repercussions for those crimes has been very psychically taxing! “A moment of reckoning we needed to have” doesn’t exactly make the reliving of past traumas any easier, y’know? And 2018 doesn’t seem like it’s going to be any less fraught than the end of 2017.

You’re still trash

If so many of us are fundamentally garbage, why did we expect the newest year of our lives to be otherwise?

Love to be alive during this, our particular timeline.