Funny Articles

The 7 Sexiest Characters in Video Game History

By  | 

Sex and video games go hand in hand. The medium often acts as a fantasy outlet for our most primal, base desires, which means there are a bevy of erotic characters who get our Rumble Paks going. And as technology gets better, so do our fantasy avatars. Prepare yourself, player: these are the sexiest video game characters whose buttons you can’t wait to push.

Waluigi, Mario Tennis

sexiest-video-game-characters-mario-tennis
(source)

First introduced in Nintendo 64’s Mario Tennis, Waluigi was meant to be a simple foil to Luigi, equivalent to Wario for Mario. But his lanky, angular features, cunningly mischievous personality, and aggressive strides around the court cemented him immediately as a bonafide video game sex symbol. For folks who played as Waluigi, “love” wasn’t just a tennis score. Game, set, and a match made in heaven.

Waluigi, Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix

sexiest-video-game-characters-ddr-mario-mix
(source)

If you played the Mushroom Kingdom spin on DDR, you know exactly who I’m talking about: Waluigi. While he only appeared as a boss, many fans of the character (who began dubbing themselves “Waluigiacs”) were so enraptured by his nubile movements and sheer confidence on the floor that they wished they could play as him. Or, at the very least, get their grind on with him on a private dance floor of their own. I have no idea why the guy on the left is even in this picture.

Waluigi, Mario Kart DS

sexiest-video-game-characters-mario-kart-ds
(source)

3, 2, 1, Waluigi! The character became such a signpost of sexual energy in the Nintendo universe that he was granted his very own level in Mario Kart DS. Spoiler alert: it did not disappoint. “Waluigi Pinball” pulsates and vibrates with the same animal magnetism inspired by the character, and gave many Waluigiacs the chance to act out their most prurient fantasy: play as Waluigi on Waluigi for some hot Wa-On-Wa action. “I’ma gonna win”… because I get to see Waluigi’s sexy ass in this game!

Waluigi, Mario Strikers Charged

sexiest-video-game-characters-mario-strikers
(source)

Hamina hamina hamina AA-OOOOOOOOGA! Lemme at him! Lemme at the Tall Purple Man!

Waluigi, Mario Tennis Aces

sexiest-video-game-characters-mario-tennis-aces
(source)

Look, I could be intellectual about this. I could write about how the most recent iteration of Waluigi is a fun echo of his first video game appearance. The “climax” of the Nintendo 64’s “foreplay”. But so much of Waluigi’s eroticism stems from his blunt, tell-it-like-it-is, un-PC attitude. So instead, I will just speak frankly to you: seeing Waluigi’s hairdo in the Nintendo Switch variation on the Mario Tennis franchise made me literally ejaculate in my pants.

Waluigi, Mario Golf World Tour

sexiest-video-game-characters-mario-golf-world-tour
(source)

I know, deep down, I do not deserve him. He is too crafty, too charming, too, well, too “much” for a simple soul like me. But for one night with Big W — hell, 15 minutes even — I would give up everything. Everything. My sexual attraction to the video game character Waluigi is so deep that I cannot sustain a normal, healthy romantic relationship. I was living with someone, you know. A person who gave so much to me. A mate. We were together for two and a half years. We talked of marriage, of children. Of a life together. And in the end, I left. Because I knew, no matter how happy I pretended to be, the core was rotten. The center was empty. The foundation would never be what I needed, would never be Waluigi. I spoke earlier of sacrifice. But in service of my scheming lord whom has the mustache, what do I even have to give? I am nothing. I am everything. I am Waluigi. Waluigi is me. Waluigi Waluigi Waluigi Waluigi Waluigi Waluigi Waluigi Waluigi.

Ayane, Dead Or Alive Xtreme 3

sexiest-video-game-characters-dead-or-alive-xtreme-3
(source)

Pass.

There you have it! An objective and thorough examination of the sexiest characters in video game history. Did we miss anyone? Give me a shout on Twitter, and remember: “Only cheaters mess up (unless you’re cheating on your spouse with Waluigi, in which case, good job!)!”

comments