Funny Articles

7 Texts You Should Never Send Your Crush

By  | 

Having a crush is hard, and Flirting with your crush via text is even harder. Worst case scenario? You somehow accidentally set your phone on fire. Best case scenario? You text the wrong thing. Actually, scratch that. Texting the wrong thing is 100 percent the worst case scenario. Here are the texts you should absolutely not send your crush:

“This is me and not my friend texting on my behalf in any way shape or form”

Sometimes texting your crush can be scary, so you delegate your texting to a friend. It’s outsourcing, like how large multinational companies outsource their call centers to India. There’s nothing wrong with having your friend text your crush for you, but you have to let your crush know. Have your friend sign off every text with their initials — then your crush knows when your text is coming from you and when it’s coming from your official representative.

“Did you get the text I sent you four seconds ago?”

If you follow up with the other person right away, you risk coming off desperate at best desperate, psychotic at worst. You have to wait at least five seconds before you follow up with the other person! Patience is a virtue.

“I’m outside your house rn.”
“As a joke!”

Honesty is the best policy. You know full well that you’re outside Mark P.’s house not as a joke. Let him know you’re there because you mean it, otherwise he won’t think that you actually like him. Who knows? He might be hiding in your bushes not as a joke at that same moment!

“Omg I just found out I have mono”
“Whoops! Wrong person”

If you have mono, let your crush know! They might be looking for an excuse to get out of the second half of the second semester of school, since mono is the perfect way to get out of your final exams without having to repeat the grade. Your mono-infected kisses are exactly what your crush has been waiting for!

“F*ck off d*ck breath”

You like this person! Why would you tell them to get lost? And in such a non-flirty way?

The eggplant emoji

Actually, don’t text your crush any emoji. They’re all dirty. Even the ones you don’t think would be dirty. Especially the ones that you don’t think would be dirty.

Anything at all

Never, ever text your crush anything. If they don’t know you exist, you can’t get hurt, right?

Have you accidentally texted your crush the wrong thing? Let us know on Twitter!