Funny Articles

7 Types Of People You Meet Playing Modern Warfare 3

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The people who play Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 are, as is well documented, the worst people on Earth, and when I took on this article, I knew I was going to have to drudge into the wretched world of its' online multiplayer. In an attempt to save my soul, I spent the morning at a shelter for homeless veterans making cookies and telling stories about a little boy and his polar bear pal learning lessons about friendship. And even after doing all of that, I still accidentally said some words while playing online that would get me in trouble with the NAACP. But here are some people who are way, way worse than all that.


The guy who just stands there as he takes notes for the article he's writing


Did you know you can actually get booted from games for inactivity? I learned that today because I had to keep writing down how many racists there were in my game.


The guy who hates you but still gives you props, man

"Nice shot dawg. I gotta say, that was a nice shot."

This guy is actually super pissed at you for sniping him from across the map for a fourth time, but he's heard enough racism and insults bandied about in Call of Duty and doesn't want to be like that. And so, he bottles those feelings of anger by giving the same compliment twice in quick succession. Which explains why the number of sudden deaths from brain aneurysms has risen in lock step with Call of Duty sales figures.


The guy who holds his iPhone speaker up to his headset


I don't get why someone would do this, but I suppose the game lobby is a slightly more enjoyable place when I'm hearing Drake's "The Motto" in the worst audio quality possible.


The humorless guy who thinks Call of Duty makes light of war


I was actually surprised to this guy had time to play Call of Duty, as I would have thought he'd be too busy caucusing for Ron Paul or writing angry blog comments about the sexism in Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.


The guy who says the same thing over and over in different intonations

"Son of a b*tch. Son of a b*tch. Son of a b****tch."

I get the inclination – when I killed a guy and it said "comeback" (which was often because I'm quite bad at this game) I instinctually wanted to say, each and every time, "don't call it a comeback we ain't ever left". But I didn't. Indeed, man's ability to curb his impulses is what separates us from the animals. Also, our ability to rank up to a level 19 Master Sergeant. I'd like to see some dumb rhinoceros do that.


The guy who says weird, random things

"I'm going to pwn your pregnancy."

On the opposite side of the spectrum from the guy who says the same thing over and over is the guy who shouts nonsense. It's like he gets so angry and says whatever words pop into his brain, like "I'm going to shove a 3DS in your backpack!", "I'll bet your bed is stuffed with coffee grounds and fear!", "Give me that juice box and I will suck it down", "Friend zone!", or "Shut your vortex!"


The kid making cat sounds the whole time


Dude, I get it. You're lonely. Shut up.

Which kind of Call of Duty player do you most often run into? Describe the terrible experience in the comments!


Check out Stages I Wish They Had On Modern Warfare 3!