8 Christmas Foods That Are Straight-up Gross
Presents are nice. Family is fine. Christmas carols, TV specials, and cozy fireplaces are all fun. But we all know that the TRUE joy of Christmas comes from eating disgusting foods that our impoverished ancestors invented out of necessity and we continue to make out of some delusional idea of tradition. Here are eight super gross foods that you can partake in this lovely holiday season.
You can’t write about gross Christmas foods without writing about fruitcake. At this point, fruitcake is such a joke you’d think nobody would actually serve it anymore. But you’d be wrong. I have seen fruitcake at some Christmas event every single year. It’s cruel because it sounds good. Fruit? Yum! Cake? I love it! But NO. There’s essentially no cake here, just candied fruit (another cruel joke) and nut-like rocks in a brick of flour. How something can be so hard and mushy at the same time is truly a marvel of nature. Jay Leno sampled a fruitcake baked in 1878 on The Tonight Show in 2003, because the Devil made fruitcake immortal.
Billy can pudding
Originally a festive food Australians ate out in the bush, here are the ingredients to billy can pudding — soda crackers, raisins, sugar, mixed spices, cinnamon, flour, bicarbonate of soda, and tea. Then you mix it all together and let it CONGEAL for a whole day. Barf. Barf barf barf barf.
Would I like some pie? If it has apples, brown sugar, and cherries, sure! Great! But if it has brandy, figs, suet, and orange zest? Hmm, maybe. What’s suet? Bird seed? I think it’s bird seed. Wait, suet is “the hard fat around the kidneys and loins in beef and mutton”? You’re asking me if I would like some loin-and-kidney hard fat pie! Gahhh no no no thank you but no.
That kid in Narnia sacrificed everything for some Turkish delight, which is insane because he could have asked for chocolate chip cookies or something actually worth forsaking your family for. Turkish delight is rose-flavored hard goo. It sucks.
Lutefisk is dried fish treated with lye until it has a gelatinous texture. It is “enjoyed” mostly in Norway, Sweden, Finland, and Minnesota. You soak fish in water for 5 to 6 days, and then soak it in lye for two more days until it becomes jelly-like (oh man, it just sounds terrible) and then soak it in water some more so it doesn’t poison you. I’ve never tried it but Garrison Keillor describes it as “a repulsive gelatinous fish-like dish that tasted of soap and gave off an odor that would gag a goat. Eating a little was like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot.”
Lebkuchen looks SO good. I’m German, so the very blood in my veins is telling me to eat it. And then, every year, I remember once again that Lebkuchen tastes like sad crap. Pour a bunch of spices in a bowl, mix it with air and dirt, and then throw it in your face and you have a good idea of what eating Lebkuchen is like.
There are a million kinds of disgusting Jell-O salads in American households for some inexplicable reason. A popular type is “Angel Salad”, which has lime Jell-O, cream cheese, crushed pineapple, pimento peppers, celery, pecans, and heavy cream. This is exactly what my friends and I would have invented in 6th grade playing Truth or Dare to try and make each other throw up.
Vitel toné is a traditional Christmas dish from Argentina made of veal with a tuna-flavored mayonnaise sauce. In case you’d like to make it at home, first take a jar of mayonnaise and pour some tuna juice in it. Next, kill a baby cow and rip the flesh off his bones, put it on a plate and let it cool. Pour the mayonnaise all over it. Happy birthday, Jesus!
Do you like any of these? Any gross Christmas foods I missed? Let me know Let me know @erikaheidewald or in the comments!