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8 Cutting-Edge New Theme Park Rides

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With summer fast approaching, theme parks from Universal Studios Orlando to Six Flags over Texas to Disney Nebraska Adventure (now with more corn) are set to unveil countless new heart-racing, breathtaking, spine-severing rides. I will now give you a preview of the top eight for 2011…


1. Choose Your Own Adventure Roller Coaster

Up and up and UP you go—for 60 stories—until the track ends and the real adventure begins. Because that’s when YOU decide what’s happening! Are you a pilot running out of fuel? A superhero making a crash landing? A rollercoaster rider headed for concrete? The fun is up to you for a full four seconds.


2. Perpetual Motion Ferris Wheel

No one can say you don’t get your money’s worth as this ride keeps spinning and spinning, faster and faster, forever and ever until the universe eventually collapses and all time and life end, causing them to close the park.


3. Zombie Werewolf Vampire Teacup Ride

They’ve taken a family-friendly ride, loaded it with hundreds of the most horrifying monsters on earth…and then removed the teacups. Now it’s just you on a spinning disk fighting for your life and soul, using only your wits and whatever loose change is in your pockets.


4. Interstate Go-Kart

Slam on the accelerator and scream to the heavens as you go a full 15 mph against speeding cars, semis and gasoline trucks. Will you make that crucial off-ramp? Will you swerve to safety? Will you find yourself under an 18-wheeler? Only you and your hand-cranked GPS unit will know for sure.


5. Wild—and Hungry—Bear Safari

The thrills start the moment you’re lowered between a bear cub and its over-protective, underfed mother. Then you’re off in 6,000 acres with no map, tools or unchained legs. At the end they take a photo of you giving the “thumbs-up”…or just of your thumbs.


6. The Line

There’s an old joke that the most popular ride at a park is the long line to get on the ride. But what if someone on that line released a deadly contagion…and you can’t escape for fear of losing your place? It’s 45 minutes of nail-biting terror and then your eyes explode.


7. The Human Hurler (Formerly “Family Fun Safety Swing Ride”)

One park’s design flaw is now your ultimate (read: final) destination. Originally created simply to swing people back and forth, this pendulum ride instead catapults them across the park, outside city limits and often into a distant office building or low-flying aircraft.


8. Crying Only Makes It Worse Ride

Total darkness. Flying sharks. Rampaging saws. Acid-spitting kittens. Stabby elves. Drunk Satan. We’re not quite sure what the hell this ride is since anyone who’s ever been on it heads out the exit door in complete silence and then calmly walks off a cliff.

What kind of rides would you like to see at theme parks this year? Let's hear it in the comments below yo!

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