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8 More Of The Creepiest (REAL) Kids’ Books!

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Dr. Seuss was as WTF as my childhood reading got. I feel completely gypped!  You better believe my therapist is gonna hear about this! 


Never Smile At A Monkey


I'm pretty sure the asterisk stands for "Or it will rip your F*CKING face off and then defecate on you as you lay dying." Just a guess. 


Joined At Birth


Is this really so prevalent a problem that we need to educate children about it? I actually find the blonde boy's bowl haircut more disturbing. I mean the twins can't help it…he actually has a choice! I'd like to read a book about his life as an 8 year old future serial killer.


The House That Crack Built


I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty sick of telling my little child friends the ins and outs of the crack cocaine business. They just won't stop asking! Well, fret no more! Tell those lazy so-and-so's to read about it their g-damned selves! This handy book takes you on an exciting adventure, from the cocaine fields of Colombia to the SAH-WEET mansion that the drug kingpin bought with all his crack earnings!  Pimps and dealers! The modern day Firefighters and policemen!


Cooking With Pooh


I know, I know. But it's pretty disturbing that anyone in the children's book publishing biz let this title slide by. Eww…why'd I have to bring up sliding? Kind of makes me never wanna eat another brownie again, like ever.


It's Just A Plant


This is a book that helps you talk to your kids about marijuana. You know after they find your stash.

Cause you're like a good parent and all. Other than the whole marijuana thing.


Gay-Time Painting Book


I know gay used to mean happy…okay, I get that. So why is that kid happy about being rammed in the rear. And why is Farmer Creeper watching the ramming, while his hand is in his pocket?!  I'M JUST ASKING!

Visiting Day


This book makes my heart hurt.  I just hope this book prevents a little girl from having daddy issues and growing into a woman who ends up vying for a date with Bret Michaels on Rock of Love 11.


Latawnya The Naughty Horse, Learns To Say "No" To Drugs


Latawnya is a naughty horse who hangs out with other bad horses and plays 'drinking and smoking games'. I think they're kind of like reindeer games only without the awkward drunken Santa make-out session afterwards. SIDENOTE: This book has some of the most hilarious Amazon reviews ever.

Which one do you think is the creepiest? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out MORE Creepy Kids' Books!