8 News Stories That Make Me Think The Zombie Apocalypse Is Here
WTF is going on, people? Seriously, you couldn't click on a news website this week and not read a story about supposed human beings eating flesh or doing other non-human like things. Remember in the olden days when a cannibal/zombie-type story was a rare occurrence? This last week or so, there were 8 FRIGGIN' STORIES!?! The 'Rise Again' zombie FB page is UP IN ARMS! It's gotten so bad that the CDC had to actually release a statement denying the existence of zombies. Like we would believe the government. I believe the facts, government. Especially when the facts are eating people's body parts. I present to you my irrefutable evidence that the zombie apocalypse is in fact starting. Get your shotgun. Stock up on water and bacon. Make sure there isn't a 'Carl' on your compound. Zombies are coming! I'm 89% sure of it. Here's why:
The Miami Face-Eater
This is the story that first made the world say "Da Fuque?" under our collective breaths. Rudy Eugene was killed after police found him naked…eating a homeless man's face. Authorities are now saying that Eugene was high on bath salts. If you needed another reason not to snort bath salts, I'm pretty sure this one makes it a no-brainer. No zombie pun intended.
Man Disembowels Himself, Throws Intestines At Cops
No one wants to get arrested. New Jersey man Wayne Carter really, REALLY didn't want to get arrested. So much so that he stabbed himself over 50 times, cut himself open and threw his guts at the popo. The only person who didn't find this story disturbing was Lil Wayne. He's just grateful that he's longer the craziest mofo named (D)Wayne Carter.
MMA Fighter Rips Training Partner's Heart Out
'End of the world' fears and drugs are a for sure a BAD COMBO. After taking some psychedelic drugs, MMA fighter Jarrod Wyatt, ripped his training partner's heart out and then cooked it in a wood-burning stove. 'Roid rage, much? No amount of drugs can explain that kind of crazy. Or that hair.
Man Eats Wife's Lips
A Swedish scientist apparently became so enraged after he suspected his younger wife of cheating on him, he cut her lips off and ATE THEM. Pretty sure in the grand scheme of things, eating someone's lips is way worse than maybe committing adultery.
Mom Eats Her Baby
A Texas mother killed her baby and ate his brains. She claims the devil made her do it. That may be true, but I still hope she rots in jail for the rest of her life. And another thing…WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? All of a sudden the cast of Teen Mom is looking pretty good!
Man Eats Roommates' Brain And Heart
21-year-old college student Alex Kinyua, is being held without bail after killing his roommate, then eating his heart and brains. No motive has been reported in this truly grisly crime. Throat clear zombieapocalypse cough cough.
Man Eats Kitten's Lips
Angel Ramon ate a kitten's lips after his girlfriend broke up with him. I can't even go on. For some reason I find that sentence to be the most disturbing one in the whole damn article. I forever disown from womanhood any lady who dates this beast in the future.
Cannibal Porn Star On The Lam
Luke Magnotta is a gay porn star, who recently killed and ate his partner. He then mailed some of the uneaten body parts to Canadian officials. The scariest part…HE'S STILL ON THE LOOSE! I guess there is something worse than being a porn actor. A murdering, evil porn actor who eats people. And not in the typical porn kind of way.
What do you think?? Are you freaking out? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!