8 Reasons Not to Ever Have Children!
Ugh. Your parents are right, you know. You're a selfish little brat who doesn't understand the importance of hard work. And you have the manners of a reality star, for God’s sake – you're telling me it's OK to eat steak with your fingers in front of your grandmother? Really? ARE YOU SERIOUS, RYAN?
Riddle me this, wise guy: Knowing how terrible you are, why would you want to bring a pint-sized version of your terrible self into this terrible world? Dude, there is no way you should have kids. Don't believe me? Dig these facts:
In Here, it’s Always Friday
The time and money you waste on 'em could be spent on something sweet like a lifetime's worth of T.G.I. Friday's. You could be drinkin' Mudslides every NIGHT, son. Like a boss (of a Game Stop).
They’re Not Gonna Visit You in “The Home”
Yea, as you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, they'll be bickering amongst themselves over who gets to keep your prized Pokémon card collection (in the future it'll be worth, like, 20,000,000 quarg space buxx).
They Won’t Respect Your Authority!
They won't respect you, by God! They'll flip the f-you bird right in your face! And they'll feel no shame!
You’re the Only One That’ll Be in Labor
In the good ol' days, kids used to be considered assets (what with there being no child labor laws and all). But now, they're liabilities (what with their desire for iPads and food and not being exploited and all). Long story short? They're nobody's problem but your own. 🙁
I, Robot Child
They're going to be replaced by machines in less than twenty years anyhow. And these machines can be used to make you money instead of spending your money. Remember that episode of Small Wonder when they rented V.I.C.I. (Voice Input Child Ideniticant) out to clean all those rich people's penthouses? This is exactly what I'm talking about, people.
It’s a Sick, Sad World
The world's already full of sadness, misery and bad vibes. And there's a 99.99% chance your kids will do nothing but contribute to said sadness, misery and bad vibes. After all…like father, like son!
A Boy Named Bentley
Who are you gonna have kids with…Maci from English class? The chick's named after a department store, dude…and you know she's just gonna name your kid after a car. Can you really have that on your conscience?
I Bent My Wookie
They might grow up to be stupid. I'm talkin' "My cat's breath smells like cat food" stupid.
Any reasons I forgot? Let me know in the comments, or tell me @Bornferal!