8 Things You Kids Like That I’m Too Old To Understand
Some folks say age is just a number. As someone whose number is perilously close to 30, I’m inclined to agree with said folks. Regardless of how “young at heart” I feel, though, there are some things you wild n’ crazy kids love that I just don’t understand. Call me lame. Call me a curmudgeon. Call me maybe. (“Call Me Maybe” – y’all love that song, right? That’s a topical reference, right?)
Back in my day, vampires – ALL vampires – were played, semi-competently, by Johnny Depp. That being said, who passed this Robert Pattinson character the torch? He looks like a girl suffering from anemia. Also, I’m pretty sure blood sucking ceased to be sexy when Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton broke up.
The Dark Knight Rises
OK, kiddo, I’ve got two questions for ya. One: What the hell is a "Bane"? Two: When did we stop just beating the hell out of nerds and start letting them green light every film that comes out?
So, let me get this straight. Your grandparents are lame for playing Gin Rummy, but it's cool to throw down cards with drawings of fictional "pocket monsters" on them? I just need a little clarification here. I’ll give you time to respond – I understand that you’ve gotta “catch ‘em all.”
It's not a book if it has more pictures than text, so stop acting smart just 'cause you read them. I don’t act smart for reading People Magazine (just well read). Oh, who am I kidding? Manga’s fine. I just resent the fact that it takes up, like, half of every bookstore now. That’s shelf space we could be devoting to more copies of Fifty Shades of Grey!
When I was a kid, we called Family Guy "The Simpsons." The Simpsons was better, though, because everyone who wrote for it knew how to write a joke (they don't teach you nothing over there at Harvard, after all). Simpsons 2.0, a.k.a. Family Guy, hardly has any jokes – it’s just a loose collection of scatological humor, nonsensical cutaways and terrible pop culture references. Cutting to Gary Coleman is not a joke. Cutting Gary Coleman, on the other hand…
Lord of the Rings
Lord of the Rings fan? Thou art the dweebiest, my lord. Truly you are the King of Dweebs. Where ist thou queen, m’lord? Oh – you say your beloved lives in Canada? And she ist a model? Fascinating, m’lord.
Call of Duty
You can’t blame Call of Duty games for being first person shooters; basically every game nowadays is one. You can blame Call of Duty fans, however, for thinking that playing them makes them “tuff.” Your grandad was one of the heroic souls who actually won WWII, you ungrateful little whippersnapper – he didn’t waste his youth play-shooting Nazis in a basement. Why don't you call him sometime?
3-D movies cost twice as much as regular movies and cause ten times as many headaches. And does anyone really need to see Puss n’ Boots in THREE DIMENSIONS?
What else can’t my feeble, post-adolescent brain comprehend about the modern world? Let me know in the comments!