8 Vampires I Wanna Stake
It's kind of hard to believe that there was a time when vampires were kind of cool. I mean there still are great vampire characters out there, but it seems like the lame-ass ones have taken over the spotlight. This pisses me off. It makes me wanna get all slayer on their asses. Here are 8 vampires that totally suck (HAHAHA GET IT?). I would find much pleasure in driving a stake into their cold, dead hearts.
I mean come on! No one has done more to ruin the fearsome vampire's 'cool factor' than Edward Cullen. The sparkliness alone seems custom-made to appeal to tweener girls' love of rainbows, glitter and unicorns. I would love to stake him with a unicorn horn and see a fart of glitter exit his wound as he faces the true death. Maybe then I can watch 'Goblet of Fire' again and actually be sad when Cedric dies.
Barnabas Collins–Dark Shadows (Movie Version)
I have to say I'm a huge Johnny Depp/ Tim Burton fan. At least I think I still am? But they are seriously trying my patience lately. I'm sure Barnabas Collins was cool in the original series. I don't really know that from personal experience, but I don't need any Dark Shadows fanatics schooling me about this fact. I'm talking about the movie Barnabas, yo! I just can't even take how uncool and unfunny Johnny Depp's disco-era vamp looks in the trailer. It makes me cringe. I wanna make him deader than polyester bell-bottoms and gold chains nestled on a lawn of chest hair. Please tell me those trends are dead.
Stefan Salvatore– The Vampire Diaries
Honestly, it's not that I hate Stefan, I just want Elena to finally make a friggin' choice! Or I guess I wanna make it for her. And clearly there is only one choice…yummy, yummy Damon. He of the sarcastic wit and the performing eyebrows. I mean seriously? Those eyebrows deserve their own special Emmy award.
Lestat–Interview With A Vampire (Movie Version)
I was a fan of the books and I still haven't gotten over the casting of Tom Cruise as Lestat. I know there are fans of his performance out there, but they can write their own friggin' article. He's about as believable as a hot blood-sucking vamp as he is playing a horny rock god in the 'Rock of Ages' trailer. Thanks for ruining two movies I really want to like!
After seeing this Dracula reboot, the majority of real life vampires ran into the sun and willingly fried themselves to death due to shame. It's 'true'. I feel it is my duty to avenge them by killing this modern day Count. After I do everyone a HUGE favor, maybe you guys can repay me by explaining Gerard Butler's continuing appeal?
Harmony Kendall– Buffy The Vampire Slayer
It's like a free pass to kill the bitchy, clueless girl you hated in High School. Who wouldn't wanna stake Harmony? Do it for all the freaks and geeks in the world who've ever suffered the condescending words of someone dumber than them!
Bill Compton– True Blood
Oh Sookie! If I have to hear your name said in Bill's borderline speech impediment, Southern Drawl one more time I might have to stake myself. But mostly he needs to go so you continue having steamy sex scenes with Eric Northman. Don't even think of getting on my case, Team Bill! YOU'RE WRONG!
Bella Swan Cullen–Twilight
I've been waiting for the moment when I could kill Bella Swan and not face a first degree murder charge. Who's in? LET'S GET HER! RENESSME TOO!
Who do you think is the worst vampire ever? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!