8 Ways To Get Over Your Ex
So your so-called “true love” broke it off & broke your heart, that bitch-bastard.
Now your world seems like the Apocalypse came and went. As for your future? All you see is a lot of internet surfing and a diet of Taco Bell & chocolate. You’re suppressing panic attacks and the urge to plead your ex come to his/her senses – possibly while tied to a chair in your basement. You’ll do ANYTHING to get them back! But “anything” won’t work. Face it: THIS SUCKS GOAT NUTS.
There’s only one thing left to do: LET THEM GO. Oh, we know it’s not easy, and you’d rather live out the movie 127 Hours right now, but we’re here to help. At SMOSH we are masters of being dumped! We get rejected all the time, and we’re proud of it. So take our tested advice, and you’ll be over them in no time.
1.) Knock Your Ex Off That Pedestal
For so long you’ve thought he/she was this awesome, ideal super-hottie. Guess what? You’re wrong. A.) Anyone without the sense to appreciate your WORSHIP has to be a moron. B.) Envision your ex farting. LOUD, gross, sputtering farts. This is REALITY. C.) You won’t know when but we SWEAR he/she will have gutting REGRET they let you go at some point, even if it’s not till their next “true love” crushes their tiny hearts.
2.) NO Stalking!
All restraining orders aside, you have to break off ALL contact or you will go full-blown Bat-Sh*t Crazy. Even if you’re a woman, BE A MAN, dammit! That means NO BEGGING. No gifts, or “Say Anything” moments under your ex’s window. No sappy texts and emails. For the love of God, don’t drunk-dial. Your ex knows how to reach you, that callous, evil #@$*. Do yourself a favor & delete his/her info from your cell NOW.
3.) Chuck Those Sappy Mementos
Unless your ex bought you a freaking CAR, pile up all those gifts, photos and junk and do 1 of 3 things: TRASH IT, RE-GIFT IT or SELL IT. Definitely burn or bury all pictures and notes – these are TOXIC. But gifts, clothing, games and such – these can make you a buck on EBay or even pave the way into someone new’s pants. Think of it this way: those stupid stuffed animals you never wanted to begin with? Those re-gifted are like your EX helping you land your NEXT.
4.) Kiss Your “Borrowed” Stuff Goodbye
Boo-hoo, it’s your favorite Blue Ray, your leather jacket or $60 for a phone bill. Unless it’s major money, a family heirloom or your PET, let your stolen stuff go. It will not be worth the pain of autopsying your relationship just to reclaim an ironic T-Shirt from Threadless.com. Don’t exchange your dignity for crap you’ll forget about in a month.
5.) Seduce Their BUFF or Rival
Remember that former friend your ex always complained was a player or slut? Bingo. There’s your next target. If you don’t have one of those to enrage your ex, just scan your mind for the last waitress or ex of YOUR OWN that made your evil-ex seethe with envy. Of course you should try to have sex with any & everyone your ex will be jealous of, but if you really want to make them puke out of their eye sockets – WOO THE ONE THEY HATE MOST. If it looks like you’re truly into Mr./Miss Threatening-To-Your-Ex, it will drive your ex to a state of hysteria – which to you will be hysterical!
6.) Remember The Bad Times
When you’re all longing & nostalgic, think of the MILLION times your ex was a five-alarm A-Hole. Make a list – that should do it. Remember the time she made you wait seventeen thousand hours to get ready to go out? Or the time he got so wasted at Thanksgiving he felt up your mom’s leg under the table? Or the time she told you she was pregnant so you wouldn’t go camping? Or he wrecked your new car? Come to think of it, your ex pretty much sucks!
7.) Get Smokin’ Hot
The Gym. Some love it, some hate it. But either way – working out is a weapon of choice after a bad breakup. For one, you have got some sexual energy to burn off, my friend, before you turn into the Hulk of Horniness. You gotta get that “you left THIS?” look going, just to add to your ex’s imminent regret. Finally, hot attracts hot – and even if she/he has the I.Q. of a brick – running around being seen with somebody HOTTER than your ex will burn like the fat you’re losing.
8.) Act Like You Don’t Care
Ex? What Ex? It’s a tall order, we know – but amnesia is the greatest revenge of all. Your ideal moment: it’s 2 months from now and you “bump into” your ex at the mall. Your ex is with their friends and you’re out with the next Robert Pattinson or Katy Perry. You’ve never looked better and you come off cooler than a nudist Eskimo. If you can sell it, feign not even recognizing your ex at first. The cherry? You have to go – NOW. You’re super hottie, well, you know – has NEEDS.
Forget About It!
In the end, they key is to take a page out of “Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind” – a story where Jim Carey pays to have Kate Winslett erased from his memory. Unfortunately, till that service exists – you’re gonna have to go with distracting yourself with one of the old 3 B’s: booze, brownies and babes. Good luck – and remember: your ex is farting somewhere right now.
Do you have any other good break-up advice for our Smoshie friends? Tell us in the comments below!